I just need to say...

So, as i said, this is me. The last of my bleeding soul, spilling to the floor... As my best friend once warned, there would one come a day when all the duct tape and super glue would not be enough to patch this old ragged heart... i guess you were right, ShadowWolf, you saw it long before i did... i'll do the best i can to stick around for those i must, but if this is, in fact, the last straw..... So be it. i've fought for years, i'm too tired to keep fighting. Existing will have to be enough...

i made my choice, i'm staying to honor the vow. i'm staying, because i said i would. i'm staying, because its the right thing to do. i vowed, health and sickness, good and bad, till death. So i stay.. so why does that feel like it was the wrong decision?? i talked it over with O. He understands, he even supports it, when he sees things are good, but when they're not - when he sees that i'm struggling,  he asks me "why?" And the only answer i have is because i promised. I can't look at a different decision and feel good about myself. i can't look at breaking the vow and feel worthy of new vows anywhere in the future - because i won't see my word as true. i can't break faith with one, and see anyone else expecting me to keep to the next vow, if there is one. So i stay, i bleed a little from the soul each day. i struggle to smile, i struggle to be 'her' for him each day. i break a little each day when im not where i want to be, who i w...

Its a fair question, as everyone understands it differently. Love, to me, is admiration, of body, of mind, of personality. Love is a longing to keep a person in one's life. Love is a desire to protect and defend. Love is that yearning to share every part of one's life with another. Love is safety, security, both felt and given. Love is respect for the other, the kind of respect that is earned through an understanding of the other person. Love is seeing the flaws in another and being willing and able to embrace those flaws. Love is a longing to help the other person be a better version of themselves, through compassion and acceptance. Love is lifting up the other person when they've fallen, supporting them, understanding that their mistakes are their own, and feeling a desire to help lift that person up out of the mire of their mistakes anyway. Love is a sense of the other person, even when they're not near you, a tickle in the mind, a desire to share experiences with th...

My headspace hasn't been in the right place for a week or so. I'm just getting by, day by day, pretending the smiles, pretending the joy, id rather be in bed asleep with my dreams. I'd rather be with him. Meals are lackluster and boring, unappetizing. Appetite is shit, to boot. I haven't wanted food, I eat because its a means to an end (living) cause I know this will pass. But breakfasts are all i'm interested in these days (breakfasts remind me of him), dinners are bleh. O is struggling, but making due, and im relieved he found a roof before the fireworks went off new years night. I want to put my body between them and him, to help him feel safe, even though I know he doesnt really need my protection. Intimate time with husband feels like im cheating on him, and I dont understand it fully. Last night I went to bed at 11pm, didnt fall asleep until about 0300am, maybe 0330am. Slept until 1000, which helps the loss of sleep, but i dont feel rested.

Yesterday I spent the day with a single prayer on my mind, one I knew I didnt utter, or hope to come true. Today, I woke up from a dream that left me feeling bereft of all hopes, and filled with them at the same time. In the dream E rolled over to me as we woke, and told me to find you, O. Sent me to find you, to spend the day with you, because E could finally see how your presence eased my stress. E: "Go to him, just come back to me. Do whatever you want, but come back.. I can see the difference in you after a day with him, even if i dont like it." I stared at him unbelieving, then slowly got out of bed, dressed, took my meds, and left the ranch. Not wanting to race out the door lest he reconsider, and not daring to let him change his mind. I fled to your arms, spent the day there and returned to the ranch as he made, and did not find the cold shoulder treatment waiting for me. Others now are trying to dissuade my heart, telling me they see more stress in my life with you in...