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Dear O;

...i knew from the start it would be an uphill battle, reclaiming your soul from the obliette it'd been cast into. i saw it in your eyes years ago, you'd already surrendered that struggle. i didn't know you from a stranger on the street, but from the start i felt a pull I couldn't ignore. Twice over you reminded me of people i hadn't fought hard enough to save. Once you remind me of my dearly departed SW, he lost a battle i didn't know he was fighting. i can, but can't forgive myself for lossing that one. Twice you reminded me of a man from my past that faded beyond my reach for lack of understandings and miscommunications. He was adrift in time, and even in the silence that stretched between us, i loved the memory of a person i no longer knew. In you, i thought i saw both of these people, a person worth fighting for with every ounce of whatever i had left in me. Now, today, i'm still fighting that fight, but i'm starting to ask why. You've made ...
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What the actual fuck, my guy!

So, E forgot that I went out and tried to fix the gate before the rain hit.. Context: we started talking about a game we both play, and the fact that I can't just sit and play all day because shit won't get done in the house if I do.. E: I know, like the gate.. no one else would go even go look at it.. Me: the fuck? I told you when it failed again that I was out there flipping breakers, pulling the housing off and looking at the wiring.. E: no you didn't.. Me: the fuck I didn't! I told you I was out there for a few hours trying to puzzle it out, but I couldn't see the wires that were disconnected or where they should be connected in order to fix it - and it was after I told you that that you offered to look. E: I don't remember that.. ....breathing... Even when I go 'above and beyond' the housewife tasks i get overlooked. The fuck?? Sorry -- VENTING so it doesn't fester.. I've had a morning. So O is leaving (not soon, but soon) and E is t...
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To be or not to be... selfish...

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It's almost funny.. you tell me i can be selfish - but when i was selfish with my emotions and actions my family scolded me... Because i was paying attention to my need to hangout with you, i was being selfish and not putting the kids (or E) first... So i don't argue my desire to keep you close, because i'm being selfish. I'm not listening to your desires if i beg you to stay close. I'm not hearing you say you dislike CA and want to go back to MO, if i'm begging you not to go.. and i can't do that.. So I'll listen, and let you go if you must, and cry alone in the wee hours when no one is watching..
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his words, my heart ache..

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Two things.. First; where does K get off claiming to love him but then screws him over left and right because it doesn't suit her needs. He doesn't want a relationship with her, he's seen through the transparency that is K. She wants someone who will cater to her every whim and ignore their own. She wants someone who will take care of her baby so she doesn't have to. She wants a sugar daddy with endless patience so she can continue being the drunk and drugged child she'd prefer to be without the consequences of growing up and being the mother is already is. Second; he's talking about leaving to MO again. If his X gets custody of the pup, or if i do. I know it's his mindset, but all i see is being punished for fighting to keep the pup safe. Every ounce of my struggle for the pups safety has been for him, and now he says he'll leave when everything is done. That slowly seeping soul-wound is no longer seeping slowly. What has my fight been for?? To keep th...
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Body dysphoria

 :venting: as E makes me feel like an ass for my own small level of gender dysphoria.. I have never enjoyed my body (no, not even then) and I'm in the bathroom, neki getting ready to leave and he makes me stop to look for something with my boobs hanging out... And gets defensive (after he's asked me to get him some pants after his bath, btw) and I growl that he's making me annoyed because he's asked me for something that I just told him I didn't know where it was and he won't let up on asking cause 'he wants it's.. so I have to start digging through drawers to find wtfever he wants fuck if I know where it is, even though I've already told him I don't.. so don't get annoyed with him, but my useless flabs of skin are pulling down on my shoulders cause they're flopping free and useless. So I that's what I tell him, that they're useless flabs of skin.. and he has the audacity to CORRECT my feelings! "Useless, they're not usel...
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subconscious decisions

I've been struggling to understand my internal conflict for a bit now; understanding why intimate time with E left me feeling like I was cheating. I'm still not sure why that is the case, but ive realized that I crave a time for sexual release that doesn't end me in tears. This has been the case for a very long time, and it comes and goes; it has been the case more often than not, of late. Intimate time with E, and a whisper in the back of my mind has me feeling dirty, deceitful, and riddled with guilt. "That's not your Bonded..." but for a time he was, for this time he still is. What's worse is that, in passing just days ago, O asked me if I ever thought to ask his position about that intimite time, if I ever thought about his feelings... If he'd read these journals he'd have those answers. While aware of my own, I'm nearly always asking 'how would he feel about....' -sigh- if only he'd read these, he'd know so much more about ...
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the rollercoaster..

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Trying to enjoy the evening with E, but every time I feel the smile start to really warm up O's hazel eyes blink past me, and the smile slips. I know he wants me to have fun, to try - so I do. But then I blink, or close my eyes, and I see his eyes, those pained eyes - Eyes that say 'have fun' but are hooded with grief because it's not with him.
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