Letters to my best friend...

Fuck.. my thoughts just connected some dots for me as to why today is hitting me a bit too hard... Today is Opening Day for SoCal Faire (Irwindale) Today is my first extended family son's birthday (Timon) And unhappy that I'll likely not be able to pop in on you today.. I want to curl into a corner and cry, scream, laugh, fall apart... I want to be wrapped in your arms while everything hits me.. the one person I want comfort from I won't be able to seek it. FMD I guess.

Tomorrow is the passing of my first adopted son's bd. He'd be 38 now I think, we'll, he is 38 now I think. Not that I get to speak to him, or write him, or see him... See, about a decade ago he got tangled in drugs, had a spat with his girlfriend, and launched off the deep end of sanity. Ever seen a swan dive, that was my son, bed sheet wrapped around his girlfriend's throat, bound so tightly she couldn't breathe. He was convicted of two counts of manslaughter, once for her, and once for his unborn child. So when I tell you that I'm not afraid of you, know I've seen the ugly side of people. My parents and my brother used to fight, with raised voices and occasionally open hands across the jaw. I shy away from loud voices, because I heary past. But my papa raised a strong willed daughter, and though raised voices make me uncomfortable, I'm not afraid to stand up and stand my ground. What does all of this have to do, you're not doubt wondering, and trut...

  ...again you press me to open up. Again you ask, and shut me down because you don't want to hear my answers, is it because it hurts you to hear them? Why do i love you? Because you make me feel seen, i'm aware that others may see me, but you..you make me feel seen  in a way others don't. You hear me when i talk, you hear what i don't say, you hear when my voice or words shift from their usual to their stressed structure. You HEAR  me where others don't. You call me out when i dodge a question. You drag me back, and force me to answer when i get slippery and avoid answering. You hear  me when i say things are fine, you hear they aren't. Why do i love you? Because when you randomly tell me i'm beautiful, or sexy, or gorgeous, for a few moments it doesn't matter what my self-image is, because in those moments your truth is all that matters. i may not like how i look, but in those moments, my opinions are overwritten. Why do i love you? Because even when i...

I'm sitting here in the silence of a house that no longer feels like home. I know I could call and hear your voice, and in hearing it my mood would lift. But it's a temporary fix for a long term addiction. I know staying here, away from you, was my decision; but I need you to understand it was a decision made with my head, not my heart. My heart is screaming 'treason' with every beat, but my head is ruling my actions. Were I to listen to my heart, I'd be on the road to you every second of the last year, I'd be laying on floors and couches, and park benches beside you. I'd be struggling to survive at your side, happily discontent with the world, right along with you. I'd wrap my arms around you in the dark, and feel content because I'd be by your side. But the mind tells me that my heart lies. While I'd profess happiness, I'd be longing for the warmth of a roof and walls. Most everything else, my mind agrees, could be done without, but the she...

I love you, gods only knows why, as you test my patience. I don't know from call to call if it's just gonna be an friendly call, or a manic one. I just want to get you to the 8th with your mind intact. I cherish you - but I find myself starting to hold a little resentment, and I'm afraid to think that E could be right. The only reason you keep me around, is because I have a hard time telling you no when you ask for money. I hate reminding you, when I know you have none to pay me back with. But my own funds are tight now, and while I remind you of this fact you still wheedle more than pennies from me. The thought that E could be right makes me sick, I'll be honest. I've put so much trust in the man I believe you to be. Don't let me down...