Posts

subconscious decisions

I've been struggling to understand my internal conflict for a bit now; understanding why intimate time with E left me feeling like I was cheating. I'm still not sure why that is the case, but ive realized that I crave a time for sexual release that doesn't end me in tears. This has been the case for a very long time, and it comes and goes; it has been the case more often than not, of late. Intimate time with E, and a whisper in the back of my mind has me feeling dirty, deceitful, and riddled with guilt. "That's not your Bonded..." but for a time he was, for this time he still is. What's worse is that, in passing just days ago, O asked me if I ever thought to ask his position about that intimite time, if I ever thought about his feelings... If he'd read these journals he'd have those answers. While aware of my own, I'm nearly always asking 'how would he feel about....' -sigh- if only he'd read these, he'd know so much more about ...
Post a Comment
Read more

the rollercoaster..

Trying to enjoy the evening with E, but every time I feel the smile start to really warm up O's hazel eyes blink past me, and the smile slips. I know he wants me to have fun, to try - so I do. But then I blink, or close my eyes, and I see his eyes, those pained eyes - Eyes that say 'have fun' but are hooded with grief because it's not with him.
Post a Comment
Read more

again..

He's in a bad mood, and throws my decisions in my face. Yes, I choose to stay. I choose to protect your child, from everything if I can.. I choose stability, for your child. I choose him, because the alternative meant I wouldn't be keeping the promise to keep her safe! I stay because it protects her! One day, one day , it'll be you I'm standing up for against the world. For now I'm choosing your child! It's tearing me up day by day that I made this choice, because I love someone that was not stable or safe for her. At night I sleep with tear stains for a pillow, by day I force myself to smile and joke like I'm not dying by the second. A voice soothe the hurting, but it does not stop it. And the accusations, the apparent lack of understanding makes it bleed more... I choose you, my Wolf, I choose her...
Post a Comment
Read more

I want him..

..in every way i can get him.. ..in my heart.. ..in my arms.. ..between my legs.. ..against my skin.. ..exploring my body.. ..in my presence.. ..in my life.. ..feel him..
Post a Comment
Read more

In Spite Of Me...

Image
So, as i said, this is me. The last of my bleeding soul, spilling to the floor... As my best friend once warned, there would one come a day when all the duct tape and super glue would not be enough to patch this old ragged heart... i guess you were right, ShadowWolf, you saw it long before i did... i'll do the best i can to stick around for those i must, but if this is, in fact, the last straw..... So be it. i've fought for years, i'm too tired to keep fighting. Existing will have to be enough...
Post a Comment
Read more

im fine

Image
Post a Comment
Read more

Choices..

i made my choice, i'm staying to honor the vow. i'm staying, because i said i would. i'm staying, because its the right thing to do. i vowed, health and sickness, good and bad, till death. So i stay.. so why does that feel like it was the wrong decision?? i talked it over with O. He understands, he even supports it, when he sees things are good, but when they're not - when he sees that i'm struggling,  he asks me "why?" And the only answer i have is because i promised. I can't look at a different decision and feel good about myself. i can't look at breaking the vow and feel worthy of new vows anywhere in the future - because i won't see my word as true. i can't break faith with one, and see anyone else expecting me to keep to the next vow, if there is one. So i stay, i bleed a little from the soul each day. i struggle to smile, i struggle to be 'her' for him each day. i break a little each day when im not where i want to be, who i w...
Post a Comment
Read more