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his words, my heart ache..

Two things.. First; where does K get off claiming to love him but then screws him over left and right because it doesn't suit her needs. He doesn't want a relationship with her, he's seen through the transparency that is K. She wants someone who will cater to her every whim and ignore their own. She wants someone who will take care of her baby so she doesn't have to. She wants a sugar daddy with endless patience so she can continue being the drunk and drugged child she'd prefer to be without the consequences of growing up and being the mother is already is. Second; he's talking about leaving to MO again. If his X gets custody of the pup, or if i do. I know it's his mindset, but all i see is being punished for fighting to keep the pup safe. Every ounce of my struggle for the pups safety has been for him, and now he says he'll leave when everything is done. That slowly seeping soul-wound is no longer seeping slowly. What has my fight been for?? To keep th...
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subconscious decisions

I've been struggling to understand my internal conflict for a bit now; understanding why intimate time with E left me feeling like I was cheating. I'm still not sure why that is the case, but ive realized that I crave a time for sexual release that doesn't end me in tears. This has been the case for a very long time, and it comes and goes; it has been the case more often than not, of late. Intimate time with E, and a whisper in the back of my mind has me feeling dirty, deceitful, and riddled with guilt. "That's not your Bonded..." but for a time he was, for this time he still is. What's worse is that, in passing just days ago, O asked me if I ever thought to ask his position about that intimite time, if I ever thought about his feelings... If he'd read these journals he'd have those answers. While aware of my own, I'm nearly always asking 'how would he feel about....' -sigh- if only he'd read these, he'd know so much more about ...
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the rollercoaster..

Trying to enjoy the evening with E, but every time I feel the smile start to really warm up O's hazel eyes blink past me, and the smile slips. I know he wants me to have fun, to try - so I do. But then I blink, or close my eyes, and I see his eyes, those pained eyes - Eyes that say 'have fun' but are hooded with grief because it's not with him.
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again..

He's in a bad mood, and throws my decisions in my face. Yes, I choose to stay. I choose to protect your child, from everything if I can.. I choose stability, for your child. I choose him, because the alternative meant I wouldn't be keeping the promise to keep her safe! I stay because it protects her! One day, one day , it'll be you I'm standing up for against the world. For now I'm choosing your child! It's tearing me up day by day that I made this choice, because I love someone that was not stable or safe for her. At night I sleep with tear stains for a pillow, by day I force myself to smile and joke like I'm not dying by the second. A voice soothe the hurting, but it does not stop it. And the accusations, the apparent lack of understanding makes it bleed more... I choose you, my Wolf, I choose her...
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I want him..

..in every way i can get him.. ..in my heart.. ..in my arms.. ..between my legs.. ..against my skin.. ..exploring my body.. ..in my presence.. ..in my life.. ..feel him..
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In Spite Of Me...

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So, as i said, this is me. The last of my bleeding soul, spilling to the floor... As my best friend once warned, there would one come a day when all the duct tape and super glue would not be enough to patch this old ragged heart... i guess you were right, ShadowWolf, you saw it long before i did... i'll do the best i can to stick around for those i must, but if this is, in fact, the last straw..... So be it. i've fought for years, i'm too tired to keep fighting. Existing will have to be enough...
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im fine

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