Letters to my best friend...

  ...again you press me to open up. Again you ask, and shut me down because you don't want to hear my answers, is it because it hurts you to hear them? Why do i love you? Because you make me feel seen, i'm aware that others may see me, but you..you make me feel seen  in a way others don't. You hear me when i talk, you hear what i don't say, you hear when my voice or words shift from their usual to their stressed structure. You HEAR  me where others don't. You call me out when i dodge a question. You drag me back, and force me to answer when i get slippery and avoid answering. You hear  me when i say things are fine, you hear they aren't. Why do i love you? Because when you randomly tell me i'm beautiful, or sexy, or gorgeous, for a few moments it doesn't matter what my self-image is, because in those moments your truth is all that matters. i may not like how i look, but in those moments, my opinions are overwritten. Why do i love you? Because even when i...

I'm sitting here in the silence of a house that no longer feels like home. I know I could call and hear your voice, and in hearing it my mood would lift. But it's a temporary fix for a long term addiction. I know staying here, away from you, was my decision; but I need you to understand it was a decision made with my head, not my heart. My heart is screaming 'treason' with every beat, but my head is ruling my actions. Were I to listen to my heart, I'd be on the road to you every second of the last year, I'd be laying on floors and couches, and park benches beside you. I'd be struggling to survive at your side, happily discontent with the world, right along with you. I'd wrap my arms around you in the dark, and feel content because I'd be by your side. But the mind tells me that my heart lies. While I'd profess happiness, I'd be longing for the warmth of a roof and walls. Most everything else, my mind agrees, could be done without, but the she...

I love you, gods only knows why, as you test my patience. I don't know from call to call if it's just gonna be an friendly call, or a manic one. I just want to get you to the 8th with your mind intact. I cherish you - but I find myself starting to hold a little resentment, and I'm afraid to think that E could be right. The only reason you keep me around, is because I have a hard time telling you no when you ask for money. I hate reminding you, when I know you have none to pay me back with. But my own funds are tight now, and while I remind you of this fact you still wheedle more than pennies from me. The thought that E could be right makes me sick, I'll be honest. I've put so much trust in the man I believe you to be. Don't let me down...

You blew up at me today because I couldn't suppress my worry for a week. But when I think about it, you went dark two weeks ago (Monday), when your phone broke, and then silent Wednesday - which I assume is when your break started. I knew something was wrong with our last connection, so yea your silence scared me. I've lost friends in that silence, and I didn't want to lose you. You keep telling me to be ready, cause one day you may not be there, and a part of me is terrified by that reality. It is that part of me that raises up when you go quiet, the terrified part that doesn't want to lose you. The part of me that has pinned itself to your existence, for life or death, better or worse; the part of you that will plunge into the Silence at your heels, because every hope that remains to it has left. If I must abide here, to vows I made too soon, I have to know there is something waiting for me, and not just something but someone - ready to catch me when this reality is r...

i was worried by Saturday, but holding it together, because i knew you had a broken phone.. but i know you, love, you'd find a way to reach out and check in.. Saturday afternoon i asked birdbrain if she'd heard from you, knowing she'd bully her way into some form of communication with you. Sunday i was still holding it together, but the worry was fraying my control. Monday i had agreed to drive down to help Sissy with a Dr apt for her man, and SD helped with gas for that, so i drove down after telling hodenkobold exactly what i was going to do, and i drove down. Helped Sissy, picked up SD, and since all of the "official" stuff was done by 1pm i drove over to the park. i was confident then that i'd find you napping on a bench somewhere in the heat. When i didn't find you at you at the park, THAT was when my control snapped. i drove home after searching for a couple three hours round and round, the liquor store, around the college and back to the park, up to...

So today is the second day after TFCon, and the exhaustion has finally hit me, but that doesn't mean I get to rest. Quite the opposite, in truth, I've been fairly busy all day. O530: when I struggle to wake up, and remember that I promised you to keep pushing forward. 0600: when I finally look at the clock and get myself ready to hop in the car and drive. 0615: when I wake up our child to get them on the bus for school. 0700: when I attempt to hear your voice and all I get is your vm recording; and I start struggling not to break down, but lose track of time, completely. 0715: I'm combing through your old phone looking for signs you may have used your proper one recently and just aren't talking to me anymore, my breath catching to every failure, so that I'm gasping for air, forgetting to breath. I told SD yesterday the truth of us, and though she doesn't understand, she is compassionate, empathetic, and supportive. They have been keeping an eye on me all day, si...