Letters to my best friend...

i get that you think i deserve better than the broken man you are, but i don't want better (at least not today). i want everything that is you, now, and i want to, not heal you but help you see the version of you i see when i stare at you. i know i can't heal you, i can't fix you, thats something for you to do for yourself. But i can help you by presenting you with the mirror to help you see what i see of you. i hear you when you tell me you hate yourself, every part of who you were, who you've become, and who your afraid you may become if you don't correct your path. i hear it, in every breath you take, every motion of your body, every word you speak, i hear it. You tell me not condemn myself for my part of any of your past, but there are parts of your past i can't help but condemn myself for; and one of those parts are still unfolding. i know you are not perfect, O, but i don't need perfect. There may be better men out there for me, maybe even already in ...

 You rang kind of late last night, so i called back as we agreed, soon as I could. You vented at me about being angry with yourself for your mistakes, and wishing you could lay down that eternal Sleep. i wanted to wrap my arms around you, and embrace what i knew was your trembling body and lowered head. i mentioned hoping to see you today, and you told me off. "Don't come, I don't want to risk hurting you. I'm mad at myself and I know when I see you I'll vent, and I can't guarantee that I won't hurt you." I didn't agree to stay away, but went silent instead, suddenly indecisive. In the past i'd have ignored what you wanted and come to you anyway, but it usually doesn't go well when i do. But every part of me is screaming at me to go, that you need me, that i need you. i went to bed last night, half an hour early cause i was trying to sleep in the recliner and it was giving me no comfort, like it has in the last half year. i laid in bed for...

...i knew from the start it would be an uphill battle, reclaiming your soul from the obliette it'd been cast into. i saw it in your eyes years ago, you'd already surrendered that struggle. i didn't know you from a stranger on the street, but from the start i felt a pull I couldn't ignore. Twice over you reminded me of people i hadn't fought hard enough to save. Once you remind me of my dearly departed SW, he lost a battle i didn't know he was fighting. i can, but can't forgive myself for lossing that one. Twice you reminded me of a man from my past that faded beyond my reach for lack of understandings and miscommunications. He was adrift in time, and even in the silence that stretched between us, i loved the memory of a person i no longer knew. In you, i thought i saw both of these people, a person worth fighting for with every ounce of whatever i had left in me. Now, today, i'm still fighting that fight, but i'm starting to ask why. You've made ...

So, E forgot that I went out and tried to fix the gate before the rain hit.. Context: we started talking about a game we both play, and the fact that I can't just sit and play all day because shit won't get done in the house if I do.. E: I know, like the gate.. no one else would go even go look at it.. Me: the fuck? I told you when it failed again that I was out there flipping breakers, pulling the housing off and looking at the wiring.. E: no you didn't.. Me: the fuck I didn't! I told you I was out there for a few hours trying to puzzle it out, but I couldn't see the wires that were disconnected or where they should be connected in order to fix it - and it was after I told you that that you offered to look. E: I don't remember that.. ....breathing... Even when I go 'above and beyond' the housewife tasks i get overlooked. The fuck?? Sorry -- VENTING so it doesn't fester.. I've had a morning. So O is leaving (not soon, but soon) and E is t...

It's almost funny.. you tell me i can be selfish - but when i was selfish with my emotions and actions my family scolded me... Because i was paying attention to my need to hangout with you, i was being selfish and not putting the kids (or E) first... So i don't argue my desire to keep you close, because i'm being selfish. I'm not listening to your desires if i beg you to stay close. I'm not hearing you say you dislike CA and want to go back to MO, if i'm begging you not to go.. and i can't do that.. So I'll listen, and let you go if you must, and cry alone in the wee hours when no one is watching..

Two things.. First; where does K get off claiming to love him but then screws him over left and right because it doesn't suit her needs. He doesn't want a relationship with her, he's seen through the transparency that is K. She wants someone who will cater to her every whim and ignore their own. She wants someone who will take care of her baby so she doesn't have to. She wants a sugar daddy with endless patience so she can continue being the drunk and drugged child she'd prefer to be without the consequences of growing up and being the mother is already is. Second; he's talking about leaving to MO again. If his X gets custody of the pup, or if i do. I know it's his mindset, but all i see is being punished for fighting to keep the pup safe. Every ounce of my struggle for the pups safety has been for him, and now he says he'll leave when everything is done. That slowly seeping soul-wound is no longer seeping slowly. What has my fight been for?? To keep th...