Letters to my best friend...

Ash transcript - Friday, Mar 20 Ash: Hey Robin, great to meet you! Ready to get started? You: Yes Ash: Glad you’re here. You wrote “my love triangle from hell,” which is… quite a phrase. And you said you’re hoping to get “nothing” out of this first conversation — which makes me curious in a different way. What’s going on in this triangle right now? You: My husband is jealous of a man I've fallen hard for.. they both love me, but can't stand each other.. Ash: That sounds intense. Two people who love you… and they can’t stand each other. That’s a lot to be in the middle of. When you say you’ve fallen hard for this other man — what does that feel like for you? You: All encompassing, he's not here, and every day I feel like I'm bleeding to death slowly.. Ash: “Bleeding to death slowly” … that’s such a vivid way to put it. It sounds constant. Like he’s not physically there, but he’s everywhere in your head and body. What’s it like at home with your husband while you’re carry...

You blew up at me today because I couldn't suppress my worry for a week. But when I think about it, you went dark two weeks ago (Monday), when your phone broke, and then silent Wednesday - which I assume is when your break started. I knew something was wrong with our last connection, so yea your silence scared me. I've lost friends in that silence, and I didn't want to lose you. You keep telling me to be ready, cause one day you may not be there, and a part of me is terrified by that reality. It is that part of me that raises up when you go quiet, the terrified part that doesn't want to lose you. The part of me that has pinned itself to your existence, for life or death, better or worse; the part of you that will plunge into the Silence at your heels, because every hope that remains to it has left. If I must abide here, to vows I made too soon, I have to know there is something waiting for me, and not just something but someone - ready to catch me when this reality is r...

i was worried by Saturday, but holding it together, because i knew you had a broken phone.. but i know you, love, you'd find a way to reach out and check in.. Saturday afternoon i asked birdbrain if she'd heard from you, knowing she'd bully her way into some form of communication with you. Sunday i was still holding it together, but the worry was fraying my control. Monday i had agreed to drive down to help Sissy with a Dr apt for her man, and SD helped with gas for that, so i drove down after telling hodenkobold exactly what i was going to do, and i drove down. Helped Sissy, picked up SD, and since all of the "official" stuff was done by 1pm i drove over to the park. i was confident then that i'd find you napping on a bench somewhere in the heat. When i didn't find you at you at the park, THAT was when my control snapped. i drove home after searching for a couple three hours round and round, the liquor store, around the college and back to the park, up to...

So today is the second day after TFCon, and the exhaustion has finally hit me, but that doesn't mean I get to rest. Quite the opposite, in truth, I've been fairly busy all day. O530: when I struggle to wake up, and remember that I promised you to keep pushing forward. 0600: when I finally look at the clock and get myself ready to hop in the car and drive. 0615: when I wake up our child to get them on the bus for school. 0700: when I attempt to hear your voice and all I get is your vm recording; and I start struggling not to break down, but lose track of time, completely. 0715: I'm combing through your old phone looking for signs you may have used your proper one recently and just aren't talking to me anymore, my breath catching to every failure, so that I'm gasping for air, forgetting to breath. I told SD yesterday the truth of us, and though she doesn't understand, she is compassionate, empathetic, and supportive. They have been keeping an eye on me all day, si...

I knew this day would come... E's health insurance for unpaid time off has expired, actually expired a few months ago but thanks to a clerical error was only caught last month. So now, whether he's ready to or not, he must go back to work. He acknowledged how helpful I've been since his injury, with feeding dressing, bathing, etc., and generally made me feel like a tangled mess. All the things I've done for him, I'd rather have done for you. Yet, through no actions of my own that honour has been stripped from me. I never said "in sickness and in health, do I promise to love, honour,and obey" - but you, my mighty untouchable wolf, I would say them without hesitation. I might struggle with doing the whole "obey" bit, but you'd have the words of me. I turned Fiki, Strag, and Stul loose this morning, to graze with the rest of the herd. So far they're doing well. 

I've spent the last two days without much word from you. I know there isn't much to talk about when you're holed up in a motel all day with little to distract you. But the silence is eating away at me. My wrists aren't helping my mood, either. It hurts to clutch things, to gripe things, not a lot but enough that my usual routine of mindless game play isn't proving so mindless. Realistically i know you can't do anything to make the pain go away, any more than E could - but at least you would be able to distract me.All E wants to do (can do, yet) is playing games on his computer, or play games in bed the latter of which is generally undesirable any more than 'strictly' necessary to keep up the charade'. I missed seeing you last week, and the knowledge of that is eating away at my mood like a cancer. With pain in the wrists i'm finding it hard to find tasks to occupy my mind. My moods are spiralling at music, so i've reduced how much i listen, r...

i get that you think i deserve better than the broken man you are, but i don't want better (at least not today). i want everything that is you, now, and i want to, not heal you but help you see the version of you i see when i stare at you. i know i can't heal you, i can't fix you, thats something for you to do for yourself. But i can help you by presenting you with the mirror to help you see what i see of you. i hear you when you tell me you hate yourself, every part of who you were, who you've become, and who your afraid you may become if you don't correct your path. i hear it, in every breath you take, every motion of your body, every word you speak, i hear it. You tell me not condemn myself for my part of any of your past, but there are parts of your past i can't help but condemn myself for; and one of those parts are still unfolding. i know you are not perfect, O, but i don't need perfect. There may be better men out there for me, maybe even already in ...

 You rang kind of late last night, so i called back as we agreed, soon as I could. You vented at me about being angry with yourself for your mistakes, and wishing you could lay down that eternal Sleep. i wanted to wrap my arms around you, and embrace what i knew was your trembling body and lowered head. i mentioned hoping to see you today, and you told me off. "Don't come, I don't want to risk hurting you. I'm mad at myself and I know when I see you I'll vent, and I can't guarantee that I won't hurt you." I didn't agree to stay away, but went silent instead, suddenly indecisive. In the past i'd have ignored what you wanted and come to you anyway, but it usually doesn't go well when i do. But every part of me is screaming at me to go, that you need me, that i need you. i went to bed last night, half an hour early cause i was trying to sleep in the recliner and it was giving me no comfort, like it has in the last half year. i laid in bed for...