Letters to my best friend...

I've got to honest though, in my 'inactive brain' moments, its been daydreaming about some soft ceremony with purple flowers, ribbons, drapes (whatever will dangle subtley) and a bouquet of lavenders, assorted purple roses, and soft white forget-me-nots tied with a royal purple ribbon.... And a green witchy dress with flowing (not dragging) sleeves and a ground sweeping length to the skirt. something a bit like this, though maybe less purple (less just about everything)

Yesterday I spent the day with a single prayer on my mind, one I knew I didnt utter, or hope to come true. Today, I woke up from a dream that left me feeling bereft of all hopes, and filled with them at the same time. In the dream E rolled over to me as we woke, and told me to find you, O. Sent me to find you, to spend the day with you, because E could finally see how your presence eased my stress. E: "Go to him, just come back to me. Do whatever you want, but come back.. I can see the difference in you after a day with him, even if i dont like it." I stared at him unbelieving, then slowly got out of bed, dressed, took my meds, and left the ranch. Not wanting to race out the door lest he reconsider, and not daring to let him change his mind. I fled to your arms, spent the day there and returned to the ranch as he made, and did not find the cold shoulder treatment waiting for me. Others now are trying to dissuade my heart, telling me they see more stress in my life with you in...

I got an early morning SOS from O, but took forever to answer it. I didnt leave until noon or so to rescue my stranded O. But when I finally got to him I was struck by the sight of him. I knew he'd been stranded in Redlands for a few days, but he'd had a motel room during most of it, waiting to get home to his Grandmother's place. But the morning of the SOS he'd slept outside on the cold ground, at a Carl's Jr. All of this I knew already, I'd been in touch with him this whole time. I knew... But what met my gaze shocked me. That he'd been drinking, again, didn't surprise me. I'd been suspecting it for last couple days when he called. But he was slumped over the dash of Monte's (David's) truck, and when I gently rubbed his arm there was no immediate withdrawal from my touch (his usual MO when he doesn't recognize who is touching him). He lifted his gaze to my face, but no recognition flickered in his eyes. There was some sense of who stood...

...is all it takes to check in on someone. Eight minutes to feel out the sore spots, lance any emotional abcesses, and allow space for healing. Thats what we've been hearing in FB Reels for some time now. Eight minutes could mean the difference between a person's willingness to keep pushing forward, or crossing the river. I've spent the last few days answering quiet summons, "Do you have 8 minutes.." and its meant the world to me to be that lifeline for someone. But today I was asked "do you need 8 minutes?" And I felt suddenly chocked with everything ive been holding in. Yes, I desperately need eight minutes, or 16, maybe even 32. Ive had so much happen in my life since my best friend passed away that I haven't talked about. I didnt have anyone to lean on that wasnt family, when my father passed away, when my mother passed, my aunt, my horses, my dog, when my husband got hurt, when my heart was stolen in a glance and i started regretting my haste fo...

Why.. how the fuck does he manage to make me feel responsible for his safety.. In one scattered phone call, i go from feeling fairly okay, to mind-fucked 'shattered'..and he only said a few words. "I didn't sleep, cause you're not here.." We haven't been intimate physically, only emotionally. Yet those few words completely shattered my thoughts and soul. "I miss you.." he said, and I nearly fell apart. I can't put two thoughts together to do anything productive. Emails sit unfinished, counters need cleaning, laundry needs finishing, so much else needs done, but i cant bring myself to take a full decisive step in any direction to get any of it done. He misses me, and I, him.i haven't seen him in almost a month, and every night, regardless of the other body in the bed, I feel alone, cold, lonely, and lost.

He reminds me that he fell for this family, not just me, but everyone... tells me that we broke him. Hesitates a moment when I tell him I hope to make amends one day, and he immediately says it's not the mistake that makes the person but what is done after... Makes me realize that while I've written all of these emotions down, opened up fully in words what he puts into the air - he hasn't read them. He hasn't seen the grief in my words, the fact that everything of late has been bleeding me out. He doesn't know how close I am to just walking away from everything here. He talks to me about dipping into his pension to pay everyone off, fix his grandma's car, and just ghost. Words I've grown to accept as just ideas floating in his head - but he doesn't get it. He doesn't hear it from me, he hasn't read it. He hasn't read this. 1999 - I made vows to E 2000 - I bent those vows 2016 - I bent them again 2022 - I made new vows to O (though not of the ...

So I see a various array of options coming towards me daily, and being the overthinker I am, I've loosely planned for most of them. Divorce/Widow: Change of surname back to maiden name (keep maiden surname ever after). UHaul what I want to keep by way of physical items, sell the rest or leave to brother to handle. Move to OR or WA, someplace I can get a 'fresh' start. Either with the kids, or without; it will be up to them (if they're old enough to choose). Surrender all livestock to another breeder Surrender most dogs and cats as well (save Poe , Coconut, Gypsy, and Nala, Talis) Sell ranch, buy new place (smaller - less acreage, smaller footprint) Sell un-necessary vehicles Start over.

Since my last entry, E suffered a serious set back. His horse passed away, and my ESA dog passed. My favorite Myo goat had a baby that is very nearly her clone, and it died 3 days later.

If they only knew... if I were selfish, I'd have left them here with E years ago, without a word.. before the eldest moved out on their own, I'd have left.  I'd have left when E left the first bruise (accidentally, though it was) on their arm while restraining them to punish them for something I can't even remember today. I'd have left E the day he accidentally choked my youngest, who was only trying to protect they're elder sibling from the wrath they felt sure they saw in his eyes after learning the middle had self-harmed. Blaming me for not checking on them, when the greater harm had been to the middle and I was checking on them! Protecting the middle from what I saw was the greater threat, E. But I stay here! To protect their ungrateful asses from the man I said vows to, though every second of every day I regret it deeper and deeper in my heart. My kids don't think I put them first when I find solace of any kind in the proximity of O - but they...have......