8 minutes...

...is all it takes to check in on someone. Eight minutes to feel out the sore spots, lance any emotional abcesses, and allow space for healing. Thats what we've been hearing in FB Reels for some time now. Eight minutes could mean the difference between a person's willingness to keep pushing forward, or crossing the river.

I've spent the last few days answering quiet summons, "Do you have 8 minutes.." and its meant the world to me to be that lifeline for someone. But today I was asked "do you need 8 minutes?" And I felt suddenly chocked with everything ive been holding in. Yes, I desperately need eight minutes, or 16, maybe even 32. Ive had so much happen in my life since my best friend passed away that I haven't talked about. I didnt have anyone to lean on that wasnt family, when my father passed away, when my mother passed, my aunt, my horses, my dog, when my husband got hurt, when my heart was stolen in a glance and i started regretting my haste for a lifelong companion, when I was forced to betray someone I held space for over and over, when I...when I nearly lost my soul because the heartthief nearly lost his life, when the cycle of blame started rolling in my head, when I heard him say it wasnt my fault, the weight that lifted, and then came rushing back with a greater intensity, when every time hes lonely or I am I can't shake his hazel eyes from my vision. When I feel his arms around me for one last hug, and wishing it weren't just a hug. When every gasp of pain lances through my husband's teeth, and every gasped breath through sudden spasms, when he lay flopping on the floor like some cod out of water (a state im used to seeing, but jarring none the less), and the post-seizure brain fog after, and feeling certain that im behind it somehow, that im the cause. The guilt!!

I need more than eight minutes...when I write that I feel like im slowly bleeding out, seeping from some invisible wounds to my soul because the right bandage has yet to be applied, im not just being romantic. I write it because i feel it, every day, with every breath, whether im awake or asleep. The guilt, the souldeep guilt and fatigue. I am not responsible for how others feel and react, I tell myself. I am not responsible for how others feel and react, im told by others. I am responsible for some of how others feel and react, I feel.

And adjusting to new best friends who have been present since I acknowledged them, and still need to learn to fully let them in.