my kids think I dont put them first

If they only knew... if I were selfish, I'd have left them here with E years ago, without a word.. before the eldest moved out on their own, I'd have left.  I'd have left when E left the first bruise (accidentally, though it was) on their arm while restraining them to punish them for something I can't even remember today.

I'd have left E the day he accidentally choked my youngest, who was only trying to protect they're elder sibling from the wrath they felt sure they saw in his eyes after learning the middle had self-harmed. Blaming me for not checking on them, when the greater harm had been to the middle and I was checking on them! Protecting the middle from what I saw was the greater threat, E.

But I stay here! To protect their ungrateful asses from the man I said vows to, though every second of every day I regret it deeper and deeper in my heart.

My kids don't think I put them first when I find solace of any kind in the proximity of O - but they...have...no...idea.... O may bite when he's had too much to drink, but it's not out of malice. He may be aggressive when he drinks, but he's never hurt me. He listens when I need to vent, he Hears me in ways E never has. We understand each other's demons, if not the depth of them, at least the nature of!

O is no saint, by any means. He has his faults. But he recognizes them, and he tries to fix them. It is more, far more than I see of E.