he thinks I dont understand..

He reminds me that he fell for this family, not just me, but everyone... tells me that we broke him. Hesitates a moment when I tell him I hope to make amends one day, and he immediately says it's not the mistake that makes the person but what is done after...

Makes me realize that while I've written all of these emotions down, opened up fully in words what he puts into the air - he hasn't read them. He hasn't seen the grief in my words, the fact that everything of late has been bleeding me out. He doesn't know how close I am to just walking away from everything here.

He talks to me about dipping into his pension to pay everyone off, fix his grandma's car, and just ghost. Words I've grown to accept as just ideas floating in his head - but he doesn't get it.

He doesn't hear it from me, he hasn't read it. He hasn't read this.

1999 - I made vows to E
2000 - I bent those vows
2016 - I bent them again
2022 - I made new vows to O (though not of the same nature)
2023 - I made vows to O to protect his daughter
2024 - I made vows to myself

He IS my Final Choice. My last big want. Him, sober, strong as I see him now - unrelenting. The picture of masculine pride, and power. I don't care about whats in his pants, his eyes caress parts of my soul that no hand could ever touch. He hears what others ignore.

2025 - vows of eternity to O, and I will stand by them! Beyond the vow i made to E, O has my soul, lock, stock and barrel. When the first vow falls away, I will seek O out if hes no where nearby. He swore 80 years to be 'around' and save natural death in expect him to uphold that vow.

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