my dearest O;

So today is the second day after TFCon and the exhaustion has finally hit me, but that doesn't mean I get to rest. Quite the opposite, in truth, I've been fairly busy all day.

O530: when I struggle to wake up, and remember that I promised you to keep pushing forward.
0600: when I finally look at the clock and get myself ready to hop in the car and drive.
0615: when I wake up our child to get them on the bus for school.
0700: when I attempt to hear your voice and all I get is your vm recording; and I start struggling not to break down, but lose track of time, completely.
0715: I'm combing through your old phone looking for signs you may have used your proper one recently and just aren't talking to me anymore, my breath catching to every failure, so that I'm gasping for air, forgetting to breath.

I told SD yesterday the truth of us, and though she doesn't understand, she is compassionate, empathetic, and supportive. They have been keeping an eye on me all day, since I drove the park yesterday while looking for you. Watching whole I walked the park, watched while I gazed searchingly up into trees, and talked to strangers I knew spent much there, trying my best not to dissolve into panic.
She listened while my brain spewed out possibilities each worse than the one before. My soul crying out in growing despair.

SD has been here since yesterday visiting. They went with us when I took M to school, then the bank, hobby Lobby, dollar general, and Walmart, looking for something green for E to wear to the Lodge.
We get back from the errands with minutes to spare before our child climbs back off the bus. I turn my attention to the Federation and the cats, cramming my mind with anything available. Anything to keep my mind occupied and away from the gaping chasm that is your silence.

1600: time to head to the Lodge
1730: corned beef and cabbage is served. It was the best I've had.
2000: time to return to ranch
2030: I faintly hear Max (sitting next to me) if I'm okay, and asking if Kody should drive home. I'd zoned out, was on autopilot, tears were rolling down my cheeks.
2100: I tried calling again.

Where are you, my love?!? You promised not to ghost me, you gave me 80 years. You said you'd always be there when I looked for you, and yet..it's been a week since I last heard from you.. I know your phone is broke, but there are ways to borrow a phone connection long enough to touch base. I'm worried about you, about us. I need to hear your voice. I crave your eyes
The water pipe burst by the horse yard, T had to fix it.

I tried calling again just to hear your voice. I want to hear you, to see you, to feel you. I'm waiting...
20

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Selfish, yea, maybe.

E's sleep schedule is all out of wack.. so I just 'put him to bed'.. did it to help him sleep, and to alleviate some pent-up energy in me, cause something/someone got my engine running hard... and as I walked away, I felt like shit, cause I can't tell who I'm cheating on anymore... I can't have who I want, not sure I want who I have...and the only thing holding me from falling apart are vows to stay... So I sat at my desk and broke into tears. I shoved it all down after a moment by reminding myself that what I want isn't as important as keeping others happy. It has always been that way, and it didn't change overnight just cause someone said so... O, did you really mean what you said yesterday? I know how much you abhor the idea of another wife..how much you aren't excited about another committment. I don't want you to ignore your wants just to appease mine. I am all in, if you are; but I can accept less if you don't. O, your an overthinker li...
Read more

my kids think I dont put them first

If they only knew... if I were selfish, I'd have left them here with E years ago, without a word.. before the eldest moved out on their own, I'd have left.  I'd have left when E left the first bruise (accidentally, though it was) on their arm while restraining them to punish them for something I can't even remember today. I'd have left E the day he accidentally choked my youngest, who was only trying to protect they're elder sibling from the wrath they felt sure they saw in his eyes after learning the middle had self-harmed. Blaming me for not checking on them, when the greater harm had been to the middle and I was checking on them! Protecting the middle from what I saw was the greater threat, E. But I stay here! To protect their ungrateful asses from the man I said vows to, though every second of every day I regret it deeper and deeper in my heart. My kids don't think I put them first when I find solace of any kind in the proximity of O - but they...have......
Read more