Dear O;

 You rang kind of late last night, so i called back as we agreed, soon as I could.

You vented at me about being angry with yourself for your mistakes, and wishing you could lay down that eternal Sleep. i wanted to wrap my arms around you, and embrace what i knew was your trembling body and lowered head.

i mentioned hoping to see you today, and you told me off. "Don't come, I don't want to risk hurting you. I'm mad at myself and I know when I see you I'll vent, and I can't guarantee that I won't hurt you." I didn't agree to stay away, but went silent instead, suddenly indecisive. In the past i'd have ignored what you wanted and come to you anyway, but it usually doesn't go well when i do. But every part of me is screaming at me to go, that you need me, that i need you.

i went to bed last night, half an hour early cause i was trying to sleep in the recliner and it was giving me no comfort, like it has in the last half year. i laid in bed for an hour, tears oozing from eyes, wrapped tightly around the weighted red panda i named "O", trying to sleep. i drifted off eventually, but kept waking up through the night, every hour or so your voice tolling through my mind.

My alarm went off at 0530 and i snoozed it, too tired to rise; but 10minutes later i was on my feet and getting dressed, outwardly as put together as anyone whose slept a night through. Inwardly i was trembling, weak, faltering with every motion. Outwardly pressing forward, and putting on the 'strong' mask that everyone expects to see on me. i still don't know what to do, to go or not. i know i have to get my youngest to their school, and if they get up i'll do that - but beyond that... i'm ripping staples out of kitchen chairs to finish a reupholstering job because i don't know what to do. My head is sorting through another pile of 'stuff' in the dining room while my hands pull at the staples - because i can't think about the words still tolling through my mind. Tears continue to leak, but if i'm questioned, these pads are disintegrating so badly the particles are bugging my allergies.

The powers that be must be mad,
they introduced us at the wrong time.
i'm ready to embrace the us
but that cannot be.

You told me away to keep from hurting me, and i appreciate that, but in doing so you've dug a deeper hurt than any bruise could leave.

i only miss you in days that end with Y,
you are my air, become my reason for pushing forward.
The mental alcoholic that i fight with every stress,
has been blitzed for months, and they're thirst is leaking through.

i only miss you with every breath...
My heart screams your name when i take a moment to pause...