Letters to my best friend...

So, after the last intimate time I spent with E left me with a certainy of where my mind and heart is.  Im committed to my Wolf. E's efforts didn't even stir a reaction of me, even trying to picture E as O failed to help; it only served to look down my reaction. As for today, I'm in migrate pain (5-7) in my legs, and hips. It'll pass.

Today I'm looking in your eyes and finding them hard to read. I'm not sure if it's because last night cut so deep, or if it's because you've shut me out. But I know, today, I've felt less sure of how you're feeling under your masks. I'm not ready to give up, even though I'm starting to hear whispers that maybe I should. You talk, now, endlessly of leaving (and coming back, I do hear you) of how you want to get away (for a little while), and then you turn and ask my opinion; but you really don't want to hear it because it's a very selfish opinion. If you've gotten this far in the journal, you already know. But you told me last night that you're scared to read this, because you're not sure you've ever experienced true love, and I understand that - because I don't know as I have, either. But I know what I feel for you; and if all the bullying you've done so far hasn't turned me aside, I feel it might be safe to say th...

Today's thought is simple. I love you. You frustrate me, but I love you. I wish I could convince you that I have no intention of tossing you or your child away, in any form. You ask for my oath, that which I never give loosely, I give it. An oath on the stars above, I plan to keep you as close as I can, and your daughter with you. This I write, this I empower with my will, sworn to Bast as Her servant and Voice, so shall it be. I know the depression will make you question, but I've said this before, and I mean it.

For days I've been silent, enjoying your company, enjoying the company of those around me. Reveling in the reconnection with precious old friends. And then last night broke overhead like a thundercloud. I pushed perhaps a little too hard, and your snapped back at me. The same tirade of having been alone too long, and being fine with being alone. So, in anger, though I knew you didn't mean it, I walked away. Not because I was done, but because all I wanted to do was grab a fist full of those bleached curls and shut you up. But there were eyes to witness, so I walked away instead. Too frustrated to say anything. I won't give up, I've made that commitment You're concerned that you crossed boundaries, but I pushed them, too. I got under your skin, and got a rise out of you.  But it does not change what I said. I choose to stand by your side, to help you get your life back.