Uncertain Love
Today I'm looking in your eyes and finding them hard to read. I'm not sure if it's because last night cut so deep, or if it's because you've shut me out. But I know, today, I've felt less sure of how you're feeling under your masks.
I'm not ready to give up, even though I'm starting to hear whispers that maybe I should. You talk, now, endlessly of leaving (and coming back, I do hear you) of how you want to get away (for a little while), and then you turn and ask my opinion; but you really don't want to hear it because it's a very selfish opinion. If you've gotten this far in the journal, you already know.
But you told me last night that you're scared to read this, because you're not sure you've ever experienced true love, and I understand that - because I don't know as I have, either. But I know what I feel for you; and if all the bullying you've done so far hasn't turned me aside, I feel it might be safe to say there is little that will.
I haven't found my way clear to breaking the previous oath, and I will stay true to it because i owe it to myself to see it through, and i owe it to my parents, who had a least some measure of respect for him (or they wouldn't have sent me away for a time, to get my head on straight). Every time I explore the substance of that oath, I hear my dad “She'll do what's right..” I do love J for everything he's done for me, the three amazing children he gave me, and the strength to get from there to here. But I also see in him the flaws that cut right through the middle of my beliefs, his close-minded views that were once open; his unintended emotional abuse against the kids (because he seeks to guide them down the ‘right’ path in a very misguided way)
Comments
Post a Comment