Letters to my best friend...

Two days ago (so, Thursday morning) I fought off my alcoholic brain. I woke up that morning, walked into the kitchen, and though a rum and coke sounded like a better wake up drink than coffee. Caught myself as I turned to head to where the drinks are stored, reminded myself that numbing my thoughts wasnt the answer and brewed coffee instead.  Yesterday, I argued with that alcoholic brain all day, I didnt want to think about the simple fact that I hurt the Wolf, again. Didnt want to remember the pain I saw burning in his gaze as he begged me to stay. Today, it is easier, but not. Today my need to be at his side is blinding me to just about everything else. He had a laps im judgement, drank, and fell getting out of someone's car. He was so out of it that he was rushed to the er (allowed to leave after several tests and a shock to his heart). But hes home now with a minor concussion and a goose egg on his noggin. And its been all of me not to hop in my car and go to him. I wont cross ...

My husband touched me last night, intimately,  but my mind replaced his hands with those of O. My husband's intimate kisses, and nibbles, replaced by imaginings of Os. My body rose to desire, but mind replaced E with O in every heartbeat. This morning, O calls and starts by saying he doesnt want two witches fighting over him, that hes not a turf war. Then tells me he felt guilty because he felt comfortable at someone else's house. Then questions that I killed something, but when I asked, he only hung up. I begin to worry that he thinks I cast some spell to capture his heart, but I didn't; on my place as priestess of Bast, I didn't. Ive only ever Cast protections, for him, for his daughter. Severed threads that shouldn't hold him, but never Bound him to me. The Bond we shared, was not by my hand. He told me he wasnt wearing his necklace, something I never told him he had to wear, and was feeling guilty. I want to drive out to him, but hes 3 hours away right now. I fe...

Worked things out with my Brother after a heavy miscommunication Monday. Felt weird not talking to him most of the week, but I had to coolndown and let him cool down too before it could be addressed. Of course, clearing things up with my Brother doesnt help with the severe BondSickness ive been coping with this week. I just want my Wolf, much else doesn't really matter to me. I've been sleeping more, at night, during the day, with the faintest of hopes that one of those sleep periods will end with him waking me up. Realistically I know that's not gonna happen anytime soon, but damn, if it isn't the repeat dream I wake to. I want to fall asleep next to him, wake up to him, reach out to find his chest rising and falling steadily as he slumbers beside me. I had a hint of what that could be like while he lived here, and I cherished it then (and miss it now). I miss him. I enjoy the visits, but i miss him (and its made harder every day we spend together and have to part agai...

In the stress of the last week, I've had one fact driven home. I miss my Dragon, but the pheonix that rose it is place is not the same. I love her, but she is not him. My heart is fully, and solely, committed to a single wolf. Irrevocably.

Im getting so tired of hiding how I feel.  I understand how they don't see him for who I see,  that they don't know him for who I know.  I don't fucking care. Im tired of not being able to race up to him, wrap my arms around his neck and plant a kiss on him. Im tired of not being able to lean over and kiss him when he does something i feel he should be kissed for. Im tired of not feeling like i have the right to arrest his physical play, because he's my Wolf, and only mine. But he's not, until there is one less ring on my wedding finger.  Im tired of biting my tongue around people who know, but don't know.  Im so very tired of not being able to embrace the man i love when my stress is through the roof. I want him to be able to wrap his arms around me and drain away some of the emotions that are overwhelming me.

Im uncertain how I feel about O now. I still love him, but im somehow on the fence about being in love with him. Certain details came to light that im having a hard time seeing past, and its screwing up my emotions.  Not the least of which is one simple truth, that I knew and chose to ignore because im Polyamourous and I know how easy is it to get distracted by a nice ass (or a pair of tits if you swing that way). But if he was as in love with me as I believed myself to be with him, his attention would waver less - would it? Ive been raised to know a man has needs, and when those needs aren't met, they waffle. And i know im not meeting them for him right now because im holding true to my vow (as hard as that's been to do - until now). But he hit on Zeta, my 'adopted daughter', and even claims he slept with her and felt guilty for it. Ive never known Zeta to lie to me (she says he's flirted only), and I know when hes drinking he says things he doesnt mean (alcohol=no...

Well that was fun... Just spent about 10min standing in a corner of my kitchen "cleaning it" frozen and locked in place.  My face is soaked, and my head hurts. Im letting him down, and i want to tell him but I don't want him disappointed in me either. When I finally managed to get out of the freeze state, I dropped about 3 days worth of mushroom coffee trying to move the bowl it stores in to clean under it. And my arms hurt from exertion. I don't know if its from pushing E's chair, holding E's things, or the freeze. But for some reason I cant turn off the waterworks, and all I can think is that I really want O here, to wrap his arms around me for a moment until this passes and i can regroup. I am his queen, i CAN handle this, but im not sure i can without him; and right now hes been rather quiet. I wish he could just move back here and be here for me. I know he wants to, he's said so. There's just this 5'9" barrier - which is 90% of why I want...

So, today i stifled myself while talking to O. He doesnt like to hear when im embracing my depression (anymore than I like hearing his, tbh). So when i expose my scars he fights against them same as I do. E tells me that I change when I hang out around O. But I change because I feel safe around O, can open myself up to be me, around O. Because he can recognize the darkness I keep bottled up. And today, I stopped myself from explaining to O than my being tired is more complicated than being tired. That I want to sleep, to escape; and held back that unless he's here when it wake up, i really don't *want* to wake up. I don't want to be here, taking care of Vernon, because i'd rather be there, taking care of O. Im getting the same advise from two people, who hear my venting and are on two separate sides of the perspective. But I don't know if they're right...I don't know if they're wrong either. O once called the dragon a narcissist. Before the dragon turned...

Spent the last three days (and two nights) at my brother's. Finally started to feel some peace. Spent a majority of those with O at my side - and there is where the peace stemmed from. Finally verbalize what I want of him. And for that moment, he felt the same; there is some comfort in that. My O.. mine.. not hers, or someone else's; mine. Mine to cherish; not own. I know there is a difference. Mine in heart and soul, mine to dream about and hope for, guard and shelter (for all that O needs protecting and sheltering, he's a strong, capable, independent man); and one day, maybe not today or tomorrow or even next week, but one day mine.

If we communicate energy for energy, and all I get from O is friendship, it stands to reason that it is all I'll give back. But making this decision, is already cutting so very deep. I want him, to be my last, to be the truest, to be my only. But space has to be made, and I can't break vows that don't deserve to be broken. But my heart, my soul, is bleeding. Even as I loved and cherished the dragon, I will love and cherish the Wolf. Even as I pinned for the dragon, I will pine for the Wolf. Even as I stepped into the shadows of the great dome that sat over the dragon for years - that impenetrable shield - i will step into the shadows of the wolf, and be his shield. I swore that I would never give up. Im not backing down on that oath. Im not giving up. Im only shifting until I can take him to my side as I should have done when he first asked.

#venting it's bullshit that D, A and R can't get over their own egos to be present for someone who's going under the knife and tolerate someone they don't like who is also a friend to the person under the knife. It's just BS.. O would be civil to them, if they'd just get over themselves... O is no saint, he's said and done some pretty scrappy shit. But at least he's willing to try to make amends. D (far as I've seen) can make no such statements. "I'll talk to him, if that's what you want Mom, but the first time he says something i don't like, it's over.." I've watched him, apparently, spending money sent to him by O for their shared phone bill at Disneyland instead of on the bill as agreed. Truth, idk, I know D has passes, but it sure seemed suspicious! I know the money was sent, as it was given to me to send to D, and i did so. And within days D was off to Disney with family in tow (or alone idk) and spending money he/s...

#clingyMoment I got J off to the bus this morning, no problem. Went home, woke the bobbins, and got on the road to go to R's graduation. Got to the ballpark on time, only to find out i had the wrong month. Turned around and drove home (almost non-stop roundtrip). As I passed through Littlerock a wild rabbit ran in front of and at my car, I couldn't swerve to miss it, and couldn't stop. I hit the poor thing and sent it rolling limply across the road behind the car. Got home, checked on the kittens. Magick was fine, Ion was, too. But I was still a bit mentally screwed from hitting the rabbit, that I fell asleep with Ion on my chest. When I woke up, Ion was just starting to complain that he was hungry, and T was calling to check in me. E was still watching TV beside me, but his wasn't the face I really wanted to see. I would have loved to wake from that nap and find O sitting beside me. Haven't heard from him in days, but he's been working (yeay, work) and i miss t...

How do i sum up a day where i spiraled into a rabbit hole, but fought tooth and nail to keep from sliding into that same hole. Latching on to the love of those around me to help anchor me as I slid further and further into the nothing. I need him to fight for his daughter. I want him to fight for me. I know the difference in desires, I'm not blind. But once the day started really rolling the hole vanished. I could still feel myself sliding into it, but the requirement to Mask kept it from swallowing me. I slid a little at a time, each break in driving, every time I had a moment when I wasn't going full throttle. So I went from PTC to bus stops, from bus stops to the ranch, from the ranch to the lodge, and worked at keeping my mind busy there. And when things started to slow, I called O. He kept my mind moving enough to keep me from sliding further (without my saying I needed help), and I'm grateful. But now, at 2322, I've showered, chatted with T, and now I sit in the l...

You haven't been my 'best friend' since the day we exchanged vows in front of my best friends. You never accepted that you would never consume my heart and soul from the word go. You always fought it. You knew I was poly before there was a word for it - I told you so. You told me 'as long as you held the majority' you could accept that there were others who had already claimed parts of my heart. I tried to accept that, but in the first year I learned it might not be enough. In the third year, I knew it wouldn't be. In anger you made me cut ties with anyone associated with those who risked your 'happily ever after'; and i let you with only token resistance.  Decades later, I've found someone who can consume my every heart beat, my every soul flutter and you once again think to restrict me. It's not gonna happen. By my love for those who have past, I'm done accepting your dominion over me and those I call friends. Keep pushing me away from them...

Retrospective: Time after time he asks me what I want of him.  Answer: I want stability. I don't care about the money, all the stuff is nice; but I want a bit of stability. And I'm not talking emotionally, I'm talking about financially. It doesn't have to be on a level I've grown used to with E, it just HAS to BE. And sobriety couldn't hurt either,  I'm not meaning dry, I'm meaning a light social drink. Nothing to bring forward the rabid Wolf he harbors, but a drink to ease the pain in his back, or whatever, is not evil. I want to be able to be there to ease his nightmares at night, to reduce his stress in the daylight; to show him what 'love' feels like, like he should have had this whole time. But how do I tell him? I really want to go to him; but I'm not sure he's ready; not the way I need him to be.

Fuck you. I realize you have a pride on your shoulders, but i thought with some 10+ years of blind loyalty you'd not hold my past against me yet here you are making assumptions about what I'm doing 'behind people's backs'. Fuck you! You don't fucking realize how much my oath holds me, you ass! Yes I'm very much in love with Chris, but I gave you my hand and every day I dismiss the urge to do more than talk to him. Yes, I crave talking to him, he's my best friend. He listenes when i need to talk, and if he judges, he doesnt make me feel like shit for it. He's your friend too, you jerk, in that he keeps arguing for you! Even though he wants me - he won't accept me while I'm holding true to my vows. And don't even get me started on our last argument when you told me you wish I'd just fucked him - cause those words BURN in my blood. You spit those words at me, and when I'm mad I almost grant your wish. That night you're so pissed ...

I want to stand before you, reach up to your chin, and put that beard, pulling you into an earth-pausing kiss that leaves us both breathless and absolutely convinced, if only in that moment, that neither of us are walking away from this. For the first time i could look at cloudy skies, and not compare them to the gray that were in the dragon's eyes. I have you to thank for that. I am yours, as you are mine - one day we'll prove it to each other irrevocably.

This morning I find myself deep in introspection. A melody on repeat in my head, https://open.spotify.com/track/422KiARY66YzkPblpZ37ub?si=E6yYPuLtRcOub6KUlADtwg and my thoughts walking old roads. For perhaps the first time ever, my thoughts touched on and shied away from my fair Lucian, who used to fill my dark heart with comfort. His heavy lidded gaze used to comfort me, but this morning his gave is replaced with mahogany. When I think of comfort for my dark heart, Lucian doesn't spring to mind. He used to, his dark tendencies, his presence used to soothe the darker desires to bite, to claw; but now his lanky build has filled out in my head. The book i secret away in my shed with its dented heart, a symbol of what I left behind, of what I allowed myself to release from my life, because E said it must be so, to keep him. But after 20+ years I've still held a portion for my heart for that echo of a past, and I'm ready to let go - for O. I've given that piece to Otsoa. An...

Laying here, alone, in a big empty bed; Thinking of your arms holding me tight against your chest.  Remembering your breath on my cheek,  As I stroked my fingers through your hair. My mind half lost, cataloging every second for days like today; When my bed is empty and body longs for you.  Had someone told me when we met,  That my heart would fly to you,  I would have called them liar, But then I wouldn't have you.  I can be lost and found in your presence, swallowed whole in a simple greeting. A sideways glance while you are cooking,  A shoulder bump as you walk past,  A lingering glance you avoid as you turn to your own attentions. I'll steal them all for both off us to treasure, Cause I know that you care too. When your down and hurting and asking me what to do,  I want to ask you to wait for me, cause one day I'll be hiking home to you. But I know that it's not fair, so I hold my tongue with no answer, I love you too much to ask it, of th...

God's damn it.. I miss O so felling much. E works tomorrow, I'd so call him, or go visit, but the girls are bent cause I talk to O as much as I can, his voice soothes me!! Not having heard him, his voice, in a few days is driving me insane. I tried to find some time to call him today, but i failed. I miss him so felling much!!