Uncertainty Love

Im uncertain how I feel about O now. I still love him, but im somehow on the fence about being in love with him. Certain details came to light that im having a hard time seeing past, and its screwing up my emotions. 

Not the least of which is one simple truth, that I knew and chose to ignore because im Polyamourous and I know how easy is it to get distracted by a nice ass (or a pair of tits if you swing that way). But if he was as in love with me as I believed myself to be with him, his attention would waver less - would it? Ive been raised to know a man has needs, and when those needs aren't met, they waffle. And i know im not meeting them for him right now because im holding true to my vow (as hard as that's been to do - until now). But he hit on Zeta, my 'adopted daughter', and even claims he slept with her and felt guilty for it. Ive never known Zeta to lie to me (she says he's flirted only), and I know when hes drinking he says things he doesnt mean (alcohol=no filter) so did he lie about lying with her, or about feeling guilty..?

And then there's the other thing. The other thing is huge. If i can cut one person from my life for crossing the line, why it is so hard now, same transgression, different person - and i'm at war with myself. A part of me is raging at him for these actions - but at the same time, im willing to overlook it...but why?!? It was alcohol that 'allowed him' to cross that line - and im want him away from that poison!! I want him to cut it out of his life entirely! I want him to seek counseling for the cPTSD he wrestles with every day!! I know he can be a better man than he has been so far!!!

He asks me what I want from him, it is this. No alcohol, counseling, solidity, and him!!

But until he realizes this or hears this - i don't think i can be the person he needs me to be. I love him, desperately, deeply, resounding, and can love him forever (I've proven that to myself, just look to Dragon as my example) but I think, I must draw that line.