Letters to my best friend...

Today started out decently enough. I had the mental fortitude to start working on rewriting the Chapter Manual for the Federation. But before that I found my familiar Gypsy giving birth to her second litter of kittens. By noon, however, I was starting to feel like something was off, and couldnt put my finger on it. There was just, this feeling, that I couldnt shake. I pushed forward with my day, ignoring it as best as I could, picking up my foster from the school bus, collecting the mail, settling in at home to go back to the document, or a game on the PC. But the mail held an unexpected surprise, a court summons for my Wolf, with a warrant for his arrest as a reward if he failed to appear. Confused, concerned, and unconvinced it was his, I took a Pic of the mailer and sent it to him via sms. I put the court case on his schedule, and then, still confused scanned it and emailed him a better copy to read. That done, I felt suddenly very drained, and went to lay down in bed. I laid there ...

Im uncertain how I feel about O now. I still love him, but im somehow on the fence about being in love with him. Certain details came to light that im having a hard time seeing past, and its screwing up my emotions.  Not the least of which is one simple truth, that I knew and chose to ignore because im Polyamourous and I know how easy is it to get distracted by a nice ass (or a pair of tits if you swing that way). But if he was as in love with me as I believed myself to be with him, his attention would waver less - would it? Ive been raised to know a man has needs, and when those needs aren't met, they waffle. And i know im not meeting them for him right now because im holding true to my vow (as hard as that's been to do - until now). But he hit on Zeta, my 'adopted daughter', and even claims he slept with her and felt guilty for it. Ive never known Zeta to lie to me (she says he's flirted only), and I know when hes drinking he says things he doesnt mean (alcohol=no...

We need to talk... What do you think would happen if.... I've been thinking... Somehow, none of those seem right. I know it happened a while ago, but... This is my ranch, my oil revenue goes into the whole mortgage... You remember how I'm polyamourous, well... I love you, but I'm not still in love  with you; and haven't been in years. I tried to make it work anyway, hoping it'd change, but it just hasn't. Now the kids are all grown, and we're only responsible for Jade... But we're responsible for Jade. You agreed to protect her, even as I did. I cant risk that safety, Im still bond bt a promise to her father to keep her safe, and if our marriage is on the rocks, what might that means for her. You've laid hands on 2 of our three kids, over the years, and not just to discipline. I will not allow there to be a third incident. You've learned much since then, I know, we both have. I'm thinking I may go stay with Dee for a week or two, once your ba...

So O blames me for his excessive drinking... And he isn't planning for me to be in his life in the future..? What am i fighting for?? I've never been this hung up on a guy, this 'messed up' over a guy's opinion. I've been close, with the Dragon, and with Todd, but never like this. I've never been wrong up and hung out to dry like this. My emotions locked on how he feels. I just don't get why he has me so wrapped up. If this is love, I'm not entirely sure I want to keep it around - but also absolutely certain I only want him.

How is it, that one day E is admitting he can't tell me what to do, when just weeks before he was berating me for still calling O a friend?? I don't get it. He knows he can't 'tame me' and yet presumes to tell me who I can be friends with, and who not...??!!?? I get that the people I chose to befriend aren't necessarily the best people, but they're the ones that need my brand of help (as I see it). Im making myself sick trying to understand that man's logic. He can't tell me what to do, or where to go - but he can tell me who to be friends with?!?! Something is rotten in Denmark...

So last night was...interesting... Yesterday was a mixed bag, the PTConference was Thursday at 1pm. I arrived at 1pm.. to find I had the date WAY wrong. So I went to Tractor Supply instead, to get dog food. To have my card declined. So I went to my Dr. Appt that was scheduled for 2pm. Sat in their office for at least 1.5 hours before we were even called back to be seen. Only surprising thing with the dr visit was a NORMAL blood pressure reading (something that hasn't happened since I was at least 20!) After leaving the doctors (4:15pm) i went to the bank, cleared up the card, went to back to Tractor Supply and got the dog food then went home. E got hot and bothered over my dress (one he bought me) and sought relations. That was when I discovered much to my surprise that HellKatt has been lingering beneath the surface, and she knows how to turn off arousal. O called to her a couple weeks ago while we snuggled, in a bid to get her to rise, and she started. She raked his back a few ti...

He is so bipolar!! When he's upset he wants me, craves me. When he calms down, he no longer verbalizes that he wants me. One minute he tells me to stop sending me gushy videos, and the next hes dribbling them to me. He sends me away, and begs me stay! He tells me to hell with my oaths, but stick to them because he can't be the reason they break...

Today, you pushed my patience and compassion. Today you challenged me to care, as though I haven't been already. I know you haven't read this, because if you had you likely would be treating me differently, and perhaps yourself as well. So weeks back you slammed your foot against a car battery on the back deck, and since then you've been commenting about your toe hurting. Today you accused us of not caring when all I've been doing is carefully watching as you stumble across the house, or store, or from one errand to the next. Listening to you insist that you're built differently, trained differently, that you can handle the pain. Watching as you wince each time you flex, or stumble because you lose your balance. Suggesting we take you to have it looked at, over and over and get laughed down. How is that NOT caring? I don't harass you about visiting, because I know you don't like hospitals - but I know you should go. If your toe isn't healing right, as it...