Frustrated Caregiver

Today, you pushed my patience and compassion. Today you challenged me to care, as though I haven't been already. I know you haven't read this, because if you had you likely would be treating me differently, and perhaps yourself as well.

So weeks back you slammed your foot against a car battery on the back deck, and since then you've been commenting about your toe hurting. Today you accused us of not caring when all I've been doing is carefully watching as you stumble across the house, or store, or from one errand to the next. Listening to you insist that you're built differently, trained differently, that you can handle the pain. Watching as you wince each time you flex, or stumble because you lose your balance. Suggesting we take you to have it looked at, over and over and get laughed down.

How is that NOT caring? I don't harass you about visiting, because I know you don't like hospitals - but I know you should go. If your toe isn't healing right, as it looks, they could set it properly and give you pain meds. But whenever I suggest it you shoot me down, until now, with your toe turning red and swollen and you barely able to put pressure on it - and still you refuse.

I ask you, quietly, in your ear, to go - you agree and then retract the agreement. Three times!! I'll be honest,  I don't know whether it hurts more or just irritates me. You tell me not to tell Kody, and then, as we come up from the back you say we should tell her. But it's not enough for me to ask..

You tell me it's because of my oath, but just days prior that oath was the least of your concerns. I'm not sure which side of the fence I should be on. I can be the ‘mother’ figure if you really want me to, no slips, no flirts; or I can be that …something else… but I really need you to decide what you're asking of me.

Imzadi, as you are that to me, more precious than I can say. I know you don't understand what that word means, but I know, and it has a very deep meaning. I watch you walk about in pain, trying to decide what pain I can help with and what pain is out of my range. I fix what I can, not because you've asked, but because I see the need. I really don't know if I can ‘careless’ at this point.

You tell me you can't expect me to be there at your side because I'm married; but this is me, calling the bluff.

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