Letters to my best friend...

I'm uncertain how I feel today. Two days ago I tore into my husband, in a rage; ready to walk out the door for good. Yesterday, I struggled most of the day to the most basic of things, exhausted, overwhelmed, and stressed. I slept for 7 hours, but my body informs me im still tired. Yesterday O was all over the place mentally, manic, and confused at times. Saying first one thing, than another; and i wasnt close enough to help. I spent the last two days 'following' him around from place to place, to the point that he turned off his tracking, so now I cant see him at all. I suppose i deserve it, really; but the silence today was deafening and I found myself excusing away the silence. He said that wasnt the case, when he finally called. Im lost. I love him, irrevocably, but the tiniest part of me is starting to question - not lose faith, just wanting answers.

Im uncertain how I feel about O now. I still love him, but im somehow on the fence about being in love with him. Certain details came to light that im having a hard time seeing past, and its screwing up my emotions.  Not the least of which is one simple truth, that I knew and chose to ignore because im Polyamourous and I know how easy is it to get distracted by a nice ass (or a pair of tits if you swing that way). But if he was as in love with me as I believed myself to be with him, his attention would waver less - would it? Ive been raised to know a man has needs, and when those needs aren't met, they waffle. And i know im not meeting them for him right now because im holding true to my vow (as hard as that's been to do - until now). But he hit on Zeta, my 'adopted daughter', and even claims he slept with her and felt guilty for it. Ive never known Zeta to lie to me (she says he's flirted only), and I know when hes drinking he says things he doesnt mean (alcohol=no...

So, today i stifled myself while talking to O. He doesnt like to hear when im embracing my depression (anymore than I like hearing his, tbh). So when i expose my scars he fights against them same as I do. E tells me that I change when I hang out around O. But I change because I feel safe around O, can open myself up to be me, around O. Because he can recognize the darkness I keep bottled up. And today, I stopped myself from explaining to O than my being tired is more complicated than being tired. That I want to sleep, to escape; and held back that unless he's here when it wake up, i really don't *want* to wake up. I don't want to be here, taking care of Vernon, because i'd rather be there, taking care of O. Im getting the same advise from two people, who hear my venting and are on two separate sides of the perspective. But I don't know if they're right...I don't know if they're wrong either. O once called the dragon a narcissist. Before the dragon turned...

So O blames me for his excessive drinking... And he isn't planning for me to be in his life in the future..? What am i fighting for?? I've never been this hung up on a guy, this 'messed up' over a guy's opinion. I've been close, with the Dragon, and with Todd, but never like this. I've never been wrong up and hung out to dry like this. My emotions locked on how he feels. I just don't get why he has me so wrapped up. If this is love, I'm not entirely sure I want to keep it around - but also absolutely certain I only want him.

So, I just learned that O went to the ER last night (no word to me that he might) for his foot and back. This following a disconnect in sms that I'm finding hard to ignore. He talked about energy for energy when he lived at the ranch, so do I return energy for energy now and back off despite what it'll do to my heart? I've spent 15+ years quietly bidding my time while waiting for an equal opportunity window to join with the dragon, i can do so again for the wolf. Letting the distance slowly chip away at my soul as the years roll by. O can go back to being the silent predator hunting in the wild. Neverminding the small flow of tears that fell yesterday as I drove away. The end of visitations may hurt him, but it hurts me, too - for different reasons. Nevermind stealing an evening from the world, and enjoying some personal time with a man who somehow convinced me to let go of the dragon, and took his place in my soul.

Retrospective: Time after time he asks me what I want of him.  Answer: I want stability. I don't care about the money, all the stuff is nice; but I want a bit of stability. And I'm not talking emotionally, I'm talking about financially. It doesn't have to be on a level I've grown used to with E, it just HAS to BE. And sobriety couldn't hurt either,  I'm not meaning dry, I'm meaning a light social drink. Nothing to bring forward the rabid Wolf he harbors, but a drink to ease the pain in his back, or whatever, is not evil. I want to be able to be there to ease his nightmares at night, to reduce his stress in the daylight; to show him what 'love' feels like, like he should have had this whole time. But how do I tell him? I really want to go to him; but I'm not sure he's ready; not the way I need him to be.

Is it bad that while a part of me is happy he's talking to me again, a bigger part of me wishes that whatever set him off had been the final straw... I am soul-deep in live with O, and I want to share his every day - and not from afar. This 'friendship' pretense we're walking around in is killing me. I want to curl up in his arms at night, not a memory of a missed memory. I want to be his weighted blanket, helping him sleep at night, even as he helps me. I want his light caress on my body as he snores softly in restful slumber. I want to wake in the morning, to his gruff voice asking me why I'm staring, again! I want to feel his weight at my back, and arm wrapped over my ribs, his breath on my neck. I want to have the morning breakfast we frequently did, discussing the plans for the day, the hopes, the worries, the living!! I want the life I got a glimpse of while he was here, because everything less is, well, less. I like the stability that E provides, don't ge...

He is so bipolar!! When he's upset he wants me, craves me. When he calms down, he no longer verbalizes that he wants me. One minute he tells me to stop sending me gushy videos, and the next hes dribbling them to me. He sends me away, and begs me stay! He tells me to hell with my oaths, but stick to them because he can't be the reason they break...

Today I have a Firelace meeting to host, and a Ball to attend. The Firelace meeting is routine, meet with people i know, talk, plan, discard said plans, and go on my merry way. The Ball, on the other hand will be a new experience. Familiar people, and a familiar place, but new dress, and anxiety over being the temporary center of attention. I won't be long in the center, but any time, when undesired, eats away at me. My husband will be at my side, so I won't be alone; but he's not O. The full moon is tonight, rising into Libra. All of the omens say change is coming, and not small change either. In some ways I'm ready for it, in others I'm nervous. I wish I knew what the future holds for me. I wish I knew it included O, in the position I'd prefer; but only time will tell that fate. I know he's tired of waiting, already, it's his nature. I'm honestly a bit tired of waiting, too; but I can't break vows once made. They have to be severed by someone o...

Today I'm looking in your eyes and finding them hard to read. I'm not sure if it's because last night cut so deep, or if it's because you've shut me out. But I know, today, I've felt less sure of how you're feeling under your masks. I'm not ready to give up, even though I'm starting to hear whispers that maybe I should. You talk, now, endlessly of leaving (and coming back, I do hear you) of how you want to get away (for a little while), and then you turn and ask my opinion; but you really don't want to hear it because it's a very selfish opinion. If you've gotten this far in the journal, you already know. But you told me last night that you're scared to read this, because you're not sure you've ever experienced true love, and I understand that - because I don't know as I have, either. But I know what I feel for you; and if all the bullying you've done so far hasn't turned me aside, I feel it might be safe to say th...

Today's thought is simple. I love you. You frustrate me, but I love you. I wish I could convince you that I have no intention of tossing you or your child away, in any form. You ask for my oath, that which I never give loosely, I give it. An oath on the stars above, I plan to keep you as close as I can, and your daughter with you. This I write, this I empower with my will, sworn to Bast as Her servant and Voice, so shall it be. I know the depression will make you question, but I've said this before, and I mean it.