lost Love, Found Hope

Is it bad that while a part of me is happy he's talking to me again, a bigger part of me wishes that whatever set him off had been the final straw...

I am soul-deep in live with O, and I want to share his every day - and not from afar. This 'friendship' pretense we're walking around in is killing me. I want to curl up in his arms at night, not a memory of a missed memory. I want to be his weighted blanket, helping him sleep at night, even as he helps me. I want his light caress on my body as he snores softly in restful slumber.

I want to wake in the morning, to his gruff voice asking me why I'm staring, again! I want to feel his weight at my back, and arm wrapped over my ribs, his breath on my neck.

I want to have the morning breakfast we frequently did, discussing the plans for the day, the hopes, the worries, the living!! I want the life I got a glimpse of while he was here, because everything less is, well, less.

I like the stability that E provides, don't get me wrong. But most of that comes at such a high cost.

He won't be around forever, and for how much he works, I'm pretty sure I'm going to survive him. I just hope O is still around when I'm available, and still interested. He is, as I've said a few dozen times, my final destination. Once I have him, I'll never seek or desire another. He's already enabled me to close doors on Lestat, and Ryan, and the Dragon..so much different from E.

Even the tiniest whisper of a flame I held for the snow leopard has all but guttered out.

That's O's doing. That's O's influence in my heart and soul.