Letters to my best friend...

https://open.spotify.com/track/2qhBwsAvH2L2VQfn30oZnc?si=rComnIYkToeTUfJJ-UgfhQ So I paid a visit to my sister Kathy yesterday, Kathy and O. It was a good visit, until it was time for me to leave. O broke down and begged me not to leave and I was tempted to stay. A massive part of me wanted to hop in my car and drive away, with him, and never be heard from again. I managed, somehow, to stay strong and refuse both desires. But I could see my refusal was tearing him apart. I cried most of the way home, again. I hid my pain when I got to the ranch, went to bed at midnight. Slept the night through, woke before the alarm, and still felt weighed down by my grief. I don't want to talk to anyone, well, except maybe O. I'll have to, but I think I'll be quiet most of the day. I hurt him, I didn't want to, it ripped my heart out to do it! I need this to end, I need to stop hurting.. maybe if I take Ryan's lessons to heart and just shut it all down. No pain, no grief, no love, ...

So O blames me for his excessive drinking... And he isn't planning for me to be in his life in the future..? What am i fighting for?? I've never been this hung up on a guy, this 'messed up' over a guy's opinion. I've been close, with the Dragon, and with Todd, but never like this. I've never been wrong up and hung out to dry like this. My emotions locked on how he feels. I just don't get why he has me so wrapped up. If this is love, I'm not entirely sure I want to keep it around - but also absolutely certain I only want him.

Ask me how I slept last night!?! Ask, after deciding to step back from what I felt, stap back from I crave with every once of my being. Ask me how I slept!!! I didnt!! Or if i did, I wept until I passed out. Silently, I laid on my side, facing away from my oathbound husband, and while he snored, I gasped for air. While he murmured nothings into the air, I struggled to keep from wailing my bleeding soul to the sky. I curled around the weighted red panda I bought myself, and tried to sniffle myself so I didn't wake him cause I didn't want to explain to him why I felt like I was dying just a little bit more. I can handle hiding what I feel, as long as I know its returned. But feeling myself washed away with every glance from you, every tickle of amusement lifting my soul, and believing it isn't returned - will leave me filled with a poison they lack the antidote to treat. So ask me how I slept, cause I'll lie and tell you 'fine', so you don't have to face the r...

If we communicate energy for energy, and all I get from O is friendship, it stands to reason that it is all I'll give back. But making this decision, is already cutting so very deep. I want him, to be my last, to be the truest, to be my only. But space has to be made, and I can't break vows that don't deserve to be broken. But my heart, my soul, is bleeding. Even as I loved and cherished the dragon, I will love and cherish the Wolf. Even as I pinned for the dragon, I will pine for the Wolf. Even as I stepped into the shadows of the great dome that sat over the dragon for years - that impenetrable shield - i will step into the shadows of the wolf, and be his shield. I swore that I would never give up. Im not backing down on that oath. Im not giving up. Im only shifting until I can take him to my side as I should have done when he first asked.

So, I just learned that O went to the ER last night (no word to me that he might) for his foot and back. This following a disconnect in sms that I'm finding hard to ignore. He talked about energy for energy when he lived at the ranch, so do I return energy for energy now and back off despite what it'll do to my heart? I've spent 15+ years quietly bidding my time while waiting for an equal opportunity window to join with the dragon, i can do so again for the wolf. Letting the distance slowly chip away at my soul as the years roll by. O can go back to being the silent predator hunting in the wild. Neverminding the small flow of tears that fell yesterday as I drove away. The end of visitations may hurt him, but it hurts me, too - for different reasons. Nevermind stealing an evening from the world, and enjoying some personal time with a man who somehow convinced me to let go of the dragon, and took his place in my soul.

Is it bad that while a part of me is happy he's talking to me again, a bigger part of me wishes that whatever set him off had been the final straw... I am soul-deep in live with O, and I want to share his every day - and not from afar. This 'friendship' pretense we're walking around in is killing me. I want to curl up in his arms at night, not a memory of a missed memory. I want to be his weighted blanket, helping him sleep at night, even as he helps me. I want his light caress on my body as he snores softly in restful slumber. I want to wake in the morning, to his gruff voice asking me why I'm staring, again! I want to feel his weight at my back, and arm wrapped over my ribs, his breath on my neck. I want to have the morning breakfast we frequently did, discussing the plans for the day, the hopes, the worries, the living!! I want the life I got a glimpse of while he was here, because everything less is, well, less. I like the stability that E provides, don't ge...

I wish other people understood what I saw in him... I spent anhour on the phone with D listening to her berate him, and tell me he's a POS that doesn't deserve my affections; that he's only using me. And every word only succeeded in making my soul bleed. She's arguing for the marriage, convinced that's the route to go, but she doesn't know what I feel whenever I talk to him, hear his voice, see his eyes, feel a graze of his hand across even the most innocent of parts, my arm, my hand. I've spent the last 24 hours being shunned by just about everyone, ignored. And while I'm a little hurt, I'd almost rather just leave and go away. Maybe not go to him, but leave - walk away from all of it. Yea, I'm back to considering leaving everything behind.

I know you don't like the idea that someone cares enough for you to take your wellness into consideration. I get it, you've lied a shifty life so far! But I'm hoping one day to change that. I'm hoping I'll get that chance. You tell me you feel in love with me, and that was why you only got worse while you stayed here, because you couldn't have me the way you wanted. That it now treats you apart when we leave after visitations.  O, I've told you, here at least, that it shredded my soul each time i have to drive away. You weren't the only one to fall in love.  If what I've written here hadn't convinced you, if the cuddles haven't convinced you, I don't know what will. We'll, I do, but i can't break the vows I've made. It would cost me a look of grudging pridein your eyes if i break what I've sworn not to break.  I need him to do it.  Then I'm all yours.

Tonight you yelled at me for not choosing you over my girls; really ? Tonight wasn't the first time you've yelled at me, accusing me of not doing my utmost best to protect you. You think I don't hear you, love, but I do. The problem isn't that I'm not listening, it's that you are not. I hear you, your anger, your resentment, all justified. But I've chosen you more often than you have recognized. A couple of years ago, you made me swear to keep your child safe, and I have been striving to do just that every day since. You begged me to have your back and keep her safe! And then you made me choose, without realizing you did it, to choose her or you. Yes, you made a mistake, but in making that mistake you forced me to choose your love and respect or your life and respect. You put her at risk, against everything you’ve ever said to me, you put her at risk. So I made a choice, one you don't seem to get yet, and it's ripping me apart because I knew it could...