Heartbreak and Despair

https://open.spotify.com/track/2qhBwsAvH2L2VQfn30oZnc?si=rComnIYkToeTUfJJ-UgfhQ

So I paid a visit to my sister Kathy yesterday, Kathy and O. It was a good visit, until it was time for me to leave. O broke down and begged me not to leave and I was tempted to stay. A massive part of me wanted to hop in my car and drive away, with him, and never be heard from again.
I managed, somehow, to stay strong and refuse both desires. But I could see my refusal was tearing him apart. I cried most of the way home, again. I hid my pain when I got to the ranch, went to bed at midnight. Slept the night through, woke before the alarm, and still felt weighed down by my grief. I don't want to talk to anyone, well, except maybe O. I'll have to, but I think I'll be quiet most of the day. I hurt him, I didn't want to, it ripped my heart out to do it!

I need this to end, I need to stop hurting.. maybe if I take Ryan's lessons to heart and just shut it all down. No pain, no grief, no love, no laughs, no anger, no feels; just all off. Then the conflict can stop, and those around me won't be hurt anymore.
O isn't going to like this entry, nor will my sister, or the Phoenix, but it's just a dump of what's in my head. The pain rolling through my heart. The inability to breathe...

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