Letters to my best friend...

https://open.spotify.com/track/2qhBwsAvH2L2VQfn30oZnc?si=rComnIYkToeTUfJJ-UgfhQ So I paid a visit to my sister Kathy yesterday, Kathy and O. It was a good visit, until it was time for me to leave. O broke down and begged me not to leave and I was tempted to stay. A massive part of me wanted to hop in my car and drive away, with him, and never be heard from again. I managed, somehow, to stay strong and refuse both desires. But I could see my refusal was tearing him apart. I cried most of the way home, again. I hid my pain when I got to the ranch, went to bed at midnight. Slept the night through, woke before the alarm, and still felt weighed down by my grief. I don't want to talk to anyone, well, except maybe O. I'll have to, but I think I'll be quiet most of the day. I hurt him, I didn't want to, it ripped my heart out to do it! I need this to end, I need to stop hurting.. maybe if I take Ryan's lessons to heart and just shut it all down. No pain, no grief, no love, ...

If we communicate energy for energy, and all I get from O is friendship, it stands to reason that it is all I'll give back. But making this decision, is already cutting so very deep. I want him, to be my last, to be the truest, to be my only. But space has to be made, and I can't break vows that don't deserve to be broken. But my heart, my soul, is bleeding. Even as I loved and cherished the dragon, I will love and cherish the Wolf. Even as I pinned for the dragon, I will pine for the Wolf. Even as I stepped into the shadows of the great dome that sat over the dragon for years - that impenetrable shield - i will step into the shadows of the wolf, and be his shield. I swore that I would never give up. Im not backing down on that oath. Im not giving up. Im only shifting until I can take him to my side as I should have done when he first asked.

So, I just learned that O went to the ER last night (no word to me that he might) for his foot and back. This following a disconnect in sms that I'm finding hard to ignore. He talked about energy for energy when he lived at the ranch, so do I return energy for energy now and back off despite what it'll do to my heart? I've spent 15+ years quietly bidding my time while waiting for an equal opportunity window to join with the dragon, i can do so again for the wolf. Letting the distance slowly chip away at my soul as the years roll by. O can go back to being the silent predator hunting in the wild. Neverminding the small flow of tears that fell yesterday as I drove away. The end of visitations may hurt him, but it hurts me, too - for different reasons. Nevermind stealing an evening from the world, and enjoying some personal time with a man who somehow convinced me to let go of the dragon, and took his place in my soul.

So, after the last intimate time I spent with E left me with a certainy of where my mind and heart is.  Im committed to my Wolf. E's efforts didn't even stir a reaction of me, even trying to picture E as O failed to help; it only served to look down my reaction. As for today, I'm in migrate pain (5-7) in my legs, and hips. It'll pass.

Today we went to the dr for your lower back, and by the time we left you had an MRI of your entire spine on the docket. But getting to this point was painful. I know you're hurting, ene Otsoa; I see it in the corners of your eyes. I expect another fight today, as I encourage you to take care of yourself. You tell us you're not used to having people around that care, grown used to ignoring the things that trouble you. Training from your sire, and the military both makes you able to compartmentalize the pain, I get it. But, Ene Otsoa, you shouldn't have to!!!