Letters to my best friend...

https://open.spotify.com/track/2qhBwsAvH2L2VQfn30oZnc?si=rComnIYkToeTUfJJ-UgfhQ So I paid a visit to my sister Kathy yesterday, Kathy and O. It was a good visit, until it was time for me to leave. O broke down and begged me not to leave and I was tempted to stay. A massive part of me wanted to hop in my car and drive away, with him, and never be heard from again. I managed, somehow, to stay strong and refuse both desires. But I could see my refusal was tearing him apart. I cried most of the way home, again. I hid my pain when I got to the ranch, went to bed at midnight. Slept the night through, woke before the alarm, and still felt weighed down by my grief. I don't want to talk to anyone, well, except maybe O. I'll have to, but I think I'll be quiet most of the day. I hurt him, I didn't want to, it ripped my heart out to do it! I need this to end, I need to stop hurting.. maybe if I take Ryan's lessons to heart and just shut it all down. No pain, no grief, no love, ...

Worked things out with my Brother after a heavy miscommunication Monday. Felt weird not talking to him most of the week, but I had to coolndown and let him cool down too before it could be addressed. Of course, clearing things up with my Brother doesnt help with the severe BondSickness ive been coping with this week. I just want my Wolf, much else doesn't really matter to me. I've been sleeping more, at night, during the day, with the faintest of hopes that one of those sleep periods will end with him waking me up. Realistically I know that's not gonna happen anytime soon, but damn, if it isn't the repeat dream I wake to. I want to fall asleep next to him, wake up to him, reach out to find his chest rising and falling steadily as he slumbers beside me. I had a hint of what that could be like while he lived here, and I cherished it then (and miss it now). I miss him. I enjoy the visits, but i miss him (and its made harder every day we spend together and have to part agai...

      When a person starts seriously contemplating leaving husband and kids, you know something is seriously wrong at 'home' - somehow. In this case, it's the mind, heart, and soul.     I found myself this morning considering finding my aunt's mailing address, writing her a letter, and then following that letter days later. " Aunt Brenda,  I know we aren't close, but we're about to fix that. I'm coming to stay with you until I can get on my feet... " Only, I haven't written that letter cause responsibility holds me here. I promised 'forever' and 'until the rose dies, with a frozen rose that couldn't die'. I had kids, kids I find myself occasionally spiteful of. I'm raising a foster child, another responsibility I can't shirk, but it doesn't chafe as much.     The husband is fine; caring, supportive, usually understanding, loving even. I even love him; but it doesn't feel solid anymore. Lately, it's felt ...

I have no solid plans today. I have a couple things left in the rabbit shed to do at some point, but no decisive time in which to do it. Last night, however, I worked through an episode of bondsickness, crying myself to sleep. I haven't heard Os voice in two days, purposely not played any recordings of his voice. I miss him, intensely, everything i see and do i want to share with him. I want to hear his laugh, his opinions, his grumps and just hear him breath!

Today we go to face off with your X, and all I feel is trepidation; mixed with anticipation. I want to help you win free of the toxicity that is She.  By nightfall, you were raging, and I understood its core. You screamed and yelled, and I listened to every word. You railed against me, against Torrin; and we took it. You tossed me aside, and called me trash; and it hurt, I won't say it didn't. You deserve honesty from me, if no one else, your words - pushing me away, hurt…a lot. Ripped apart the heart of my strength and ground it into the dirt. I wanted to walk away, just so you would stay - but I knew, that wasn't what you really wanted. So I kept myself firmly in my seat, held myself in check, and fought down the grief that was rocking through me in that moment. Yes, you read (or heard) that right, grief, not anger. I felt, with those words, that I'd lost everything I'd been fighting for. To be honest, a day later, I'm still not sure.