Heartbreak and Loyalty

Tonight you yelled at me for not choosing you over my girls; really? Tonight wasn't the first time you've yelled at me, accusing me of not doing my utmost best to protect you. You think I don't hear you, love, but I do. The problem isn't that I'm not listening, it's that you are not. I hear you, your anger, your resentment, all justified. But I've chosen you more often than you have recognized. A couple of years ago, you made me swear to keep your child safe, and I have been striving to do just that every day since. You begged me to have your back and keep her safe! And then you made me choose, without realizing you did it, to choose her or you. Yes, you made a mistake, but in making that mistake you forced me to choose your love and respect or your life and respect. You put her at risk, against everything you’ve ever said to me, you put her at risk. So I made a choice, one you don't seem to get yet, and it's ripping me apart because I knew it could mean losing you for it. I kept my vow to you, I protected Jade. I kept my vow, and when the courts deemed you possibly unfit I stepped in to protect Jade. I've fought tooth and nail to hold on to her - for a vow you made me make, maybe unrealizing that I'd go as far as I have to keep that vow.

But when you started calling me "mom", and my kids your siblings, you told me all you wanted me to do was protect J you'd give me 50 fucking years, stay around for 50 fucking years (you always added the ‘fucking’) as long as I protected J. So I chose to protect her, to keep you alive. You may hate me (and yourself) for how the cards are playing out for you right now, but I didn't deal this hand or stack the deck against you. I'm only playing the cards I'm given. I love you to the moon and back, and I will stand at the core of your rage, if it means you're still standing to rage at me.

You think I didn't choose you, I think you're not looking hard enough. I choose YOU, I choose your adoration for that child you have, and I protected her - I've been protecting her, and protecting you. I knew how much you were drinking, and I hid it from everyone as much as I could without lying to them, sometimes WITH lying to them! I protected you to the detriment of my own kids! You think I picked them over you, I didn't - not until very recently. I've been struggling to protect you! Picking you, at nearly every turn, while keeping to my vows - which you yourself have complimented me on more times than not because at least then you see how fucking loyal I am. Things between E and I aren't great, but he's given me only small reasons to leave him, so I stay; though I'd much rather spend my days and even my nights elsewhere. But I lied to him, for you, to keep you safe (past tense, for the drinking) and he knows it now. He's been through the RV, he saw all the bottles. He doesn't know how many 50gal bags I pulled out because I did it while he was at work so he could sell the thing, but he saw that there were a lot of them. He's flabbergasted that there were so many, and I lied to him about it, for you, to protect you, until I couldn't hide it anymore because you let it get out of hand. YOU put yourself where you are now - I fought for months to keep you here!! Until I couldn't, because something happened in Vegas (and no one will talk to me about how it started) and it made him uncomfortable. That was the turning point… and then he saw how deeply I felt about you when the pool accident happened. He watched me collapse in on myself, with fear for you, and guilt and anger at myself for not being here when it happened (because oh yes, I blame myself for leaving you here and going away with him to visit his family, against my gut warning). He watched as I fell to pieces at his feet because you almost drowned. He tried to damn the tide as it shredded my consciousness, but only one hand could have held back that destruction - and it was in a hospital bed, fighting for its life. But no, I didn't choose you…keep thinking that. I don't spend most of my nights sleepless since you were kicked off the ranch, pretending to be okay because my heart isn't here anymore. I'm not currently sitting up at 3 am (and have been awake most of the night) writing in this journal that you'll likely never read, because you think it's full of you on a pedestal - and maybe it is, but it's also full of entries like this one. Pushing out the emotions that don't serve me before it poisons me so that I can continue to NOT choose you… fuck you.

Several hours later; in spite of being incredibly angry, i still love you, Ene Otsoa. I know your anger isn't fully pointed at me, but at yourself. And if you have to rage at me, to work it out, then rage away… https://www.facebook.com/reel/936319545135934/?mibextid=9drbnH&s=yWDuG2&fs=e