Letters to my best friend...

Slowly coming to think (or realize) that my obsession with O isn't good for me. O is an alcoholic, this is known. I know hes also a flirt. But apparently this last big is a bigger problem than I supposed. When he drinks, other ladies become targets. He professes to love me, but then I hear that hes all over others; aggressively flirting with others. Would it be wrong of me to demand he show me how much he loves me by taking better care of himself and going through rehab to get clear of his addiction to the alcohol? Ive sworn I wont try to fix him, but i cant guarantee that he'd be mine right now, if he is still drinking and going after others. And I so want him to be mine. As poly as I am, i'm ready to be fully his, and only his. But I wont leave E for O if O is still fighting this chemical demon... I wont put myself into a relationship where I have to question every person hes around. I dont like the jealousy I feel. I dont like that monster in me.

My husband touched me last night, intimately,  but my mind replaced his hands with those of O. My husband's intimate kisses, and nibbles, replaced by imaginings of Os. My body rose to desire, but mind replaced E with O in every heartbeat. This morning, O calls and starts by saying he doesnt want two witches fighting over him, that hes not a turf war. Then tells me he felt guilty because he felt comfortable at someone else's house. Then questions that I killed something, but when I asked, he only hung up. I begin to worry that he thinks I cast some spell to capture his heart, but I didn't; on my place as priestess of Bast, I didn't. Ive only ever Cast protections, for him, for his daughter. Severed threads that shouldn't hold him, but never Bound him to me. The Bond we shared, was not by my hand. He told me he wasnt wearing his necklace, something I never told him he had to wear, and was feeling guilty. I want to drive out to him, but hes 3 hours away right now. I fe...

Worked things out with my Brother after a heavy miscommunication Monday. Felt weird not talking to him most of the week, but I had to coolndown and let him cool down too before it could be addressed. Of course, clearing things up with my Brother doesnt help with the severe BondSickness ive been coping with this week. I just want my Wolf, much else doesn't really matter to me. I've been sleeping more, at night, during the day, with the faintest of hopes that one of those sleep periods will end with him waking me up. Realistically I know that's not gonna happen anytime soon, but damn, if it isn't the repeat dream I wake to. I want to fall asleep next to him, wake up to him, reach out to find his chest rising and falling steadily as he slumbers beside me. I had a hint of what that could be like while he lived here, and I cherished it then (and miss it now). I miss him. I enjoy the visits, but i miss him (and its made harder every day we spend together and have to part agai...

Im getting so tired of hiding how I feel.  I understand how they don't see him for who I see,  that they don't know him for who I know.  I don't fucking care. Im tired of not being able to race up to him, wrap my arms around his neck and plant a kiss on him. Im tired of not being able to lean over and kiss him when he does something i feel he should be kissed for. Im tired of not feeling like i have the right to arrest his physical play, because he's my Wolf, and only mine. But he's not, until there is one less ring on my wedding finger.  Im tired of biting my tongue around people who know, but don't know.  Im so very tired of not being able to embrace the man i love when my stress is through the roof. I want him to be able to wrap his arms around me and drain away some of the emotions that are overwhelming me.

Is it bad that while a part of me is happy he's talking to me again, a bigger part of me wishes that whatever set him off had been the final straw... I am soul-deep in live with O, and I want to share his every day - and not from afar. This 'friendship' pretense we're walking around in is killing me. I want to curl up in his arms at night, not a memory of a missed memory. I want to be his weighted blanket, helping him sleep at night, even as he helps me. I want his light caress on my body as he snores softly in restful slumber. I want to wake in the morning, to his gruff voice asking me why I'm staring, again! I want to feel his weight at my back, and arm wrapped over my ribs, his breath on my neck. I want to have the morning breakfast we frequently did, discussing the plans for the day, the hopes, the worries, the living!! I want the life I got a glimpse of while he was here, because everything less is, well, less. I like the stability that E provides, don't ge...

I know you don't like the idea that someone cares enough for you to take your wellness into consideration. I get it, you've lied a shifty life so far! But I'm hoping one day to change that. I'm hoping I'll get that chance. You tell me you feel in love with me, and that was why you only got worse while you stayed here, because you couldn't have me the way you wanted. That it now treats you apart when we leave after visitations.  O, I've told you, here at least, that it shredded my soul each time i have to drive away. You weren't the only one to fall in love.  If what I've written here hadn't convinced you, if the cuddles haven't convinced you, I don't know what will. We'll, I do, but i can't break the vows I've made. It would cost me a look of grudging pridein your eyes if i break what I've sworn not to break.  I need him to do it.  Then I'm all yours.

Laying here, alone, in a big empty bed; Thinking of your arms holding me tight against your chest.  Remembering your breath on my cheek,  As I stroked my fingers through your hair. My mind half lost, cataloging every second for days like today; When my bed is empty and body longs for you.  Had someone told me when we met,  That my heart would fly to you,  I would have called them liar, But then I wouldn't have you.  I can be lost and found in your presence, swallowed whole in a simple greeting. A sideways glance while you are cooking,  A shoulder bump as you walk past,  A lingering glance you avoid as you turn to your own attentions. I'll steal them all for both off us to treasure, Cause I know that you care too. When your down and hurting and asking me what to do,  I want to ask you to wait for me, cause one day I'll be hiking home to you. But I know that it's not fair, so I hold my tongue with no answer, I love you too much to ask it, of th...

Today is fair enough. Last night hubby and I failed to have intimate relations. We'll, I failed, he finished. Today I took an unexpected nap, after day dreaming of relations with O. It is what it is.

I have no solid plans today. I have a couple things left in the rabbit shed to do at some point, but no decisive time in which to do it. Last night, however, I worked through an episode of bondsickness, crying myself to sleep. I haven't heard Os voice in two days, purposely not played any recordings of his voice. I miss him, intensely, everything i see and do i want to share with him. I want to hear his laugh, his opinions, his grumps and just hear him breath!

God's, all I want to do when I see you sleeping is curl up next to you, beside you, behind you - so you can feel safe, knowing someone has your back. I feel like it's not what I should do, because what would others think if they found us.