Betrayal and Misunderstandings

Fuck you. I realize you have a pride on your shoulders, but i thought with some 10+ years of blind loyalty you'd not hold my past against me yet here you are making assumptions about what I'm doing 'behind people's backs'. Fuck you! You don't fucking realize how much my oath holds me, you ass! Yes I'm very much in love with Chris, but I gave you my hand and every day I dismiss the urge to do more than talk to him. Yes, I crave talking to him, he's my best friend. He listenes when i need to talk, and if he judges, he doesnt make me feel like shit for it. He's your friend too, you jerk, in that he keeps arguing for you! Even though he wants me - he won't accept me while I'm holding true to my vows. And don't even get me started on our last argument when you told me you wish I'd just fucked him - cause those words BURN in my blood. You spit those words at me, and when I'm mad I almost grant your wish. That night you're so pissed at me about, both Chris and Monte were concerned about the hour and my getting home safe, offered me a bed (in the kitchen) and while i was tempted, I turned them down, knowing you wouldn't forgive me for being safe. I get home, and your pissed at me anyway!! Fuck me!!! Appreciate that you haven't forgiven me for 20+ old mistakes!! I love Chris, but I've told him I can't act on it because of our vows!! He's told me the same, for the same gods-damned reason!!! I've been trying to keep our union together! I clean up after you, even after bringing it up as a complaint years ago. I accept your affectionate advances, even after I explained that some of it makes me uneasy. We've gone on dates, and I've had fun. You've bought me dresses, and I've worn them cause I like them!

But now you're pissed at me, for reasons you haven't explained. Is it because you think i lied to you? No, Monte is Chris's roommate, when i said i was taking Monte home, I had only Monte in the car. I picked him up at Apollo Park, and took him home. I stayed down the hill at their mutual apartment,  talking to both of them, trying to help Chris figure out the information from the social worker, waiting to hear from Tim. I told you I was waiting, you asked if I'd poked him, I said no, but then I did! He declined the visit, saying he'd had a full day and wanted to sleep. I said okay, wished him well, told him you said hello and left him alone. Monte, Chris, and I talked for a while longer, then Chris expressed being tired. So he laid down. They offered to let me stay, they had an air mattress in the kitchen I could use, I turned them down. Monte and I went out to my car, and stood there and talked for a couple hours before we finally said it was time for me to go.

No it's been days that you haven't spoken to me. I'm not gonna push, but fuck you! I don't know which argument is should mentally preparing for. I didn't tell you Chirs and Monte were roommates..? My bad, I talk to everyone here, about damn near everything, I thought you'd heard by now. Do you think I was there so long because I was fucking Chris? No. Simply no. The temptation is there, and you all but gave your approval with those words, but no.