Letters to my best friend...

Slowly coming to think (or realize) that my obsession with O isn't good for me. O is an alcoholic, this is known. I know hes also a flirt. But apparently this last big is a bigger problem than I supposed. When he drinks, other ladies become targets. He professes to love me, but then I hear that hes all over others; aggressively flirting with others. Would it be wrong of me to demand he show me how much he loves me by taking better care of himself and going through rehab to get clear of his addiction to the alcohol? Ive sworn I wont try to fix him, but i cant guarantee that he'd be mine right now, if he is still drinking and going after others. And I so want him to be mine. As poly as I am, i'm ready to be fully his, and only his. But I wont leave E for O if O is still fighting this chemical demon... I wont put myself into a relationship where I have to question every person hes around. I dont like the jealousy I feel. I dont like that monster in me.

We need to talk... What do you think would happen if.... I've been thinking... Somehow, none of those seem right. I know it happened a while ago, but... This is my ranch, my oil revenue goes into the whole mortgage... You remember how I'm polyamourous, well... I love you, but I'm not still in love  with you; and haven't been in years. I tried to make it work anyway, hoping it'd change, but it just hasn't. Now the kids are all grown, and we're only responsible for Jade... But we're responsible for Jade. You agreed to protect her, even as I did. I cant risk that safety, Im still bond bt a promise to her father to keep her safe, and if our marriage is on the rocks, what might that means for her. You've laid hands on 2 of our three kids, over the years, and not just to discipline. I will not allow there to be a third incident. You've learned much since then, I know, we both have. I'm thinking I may go stay with Dee for a week or two, once your ba...

So, today i stifled myself while talking to O. He doesnt like to hear when im embracing my depression (anymore than I like hearing his, tbh). So when i expose my scars he fights against them same as I do. E tells me that I change when I hang out around O. But I change because I feel safe around O, can open myself up to be me, around O. Because he can recognize the darkness I keep bottled up. And today, I stopped myself from explaining to O than my being tired is more complicated than being tired. That I want to sleep, to escape; and held back that unless he's here when it wake up, i really don't *want* to wake up. I don't want to be here, taking care of Vernon, because i'd rather be there, taking care of O. Im getting the same advise from two people, who hear my venting and are on two separate sides of the perspective. But I don't know if they're right...I don't know if they're wrong either. O once called the dragon a narcissist. Before the dragon turned...

Rage, betrayal and rage.. its all I've felt for days. I'll go back and fill in days, facts at least, events. But today, its just raw anger. E is a hypocrite. "Make me a drink... so my back might stop hurting." But when O speaks of drinking to deadening pain he's in the wrong. Yes, I admit, there was more to Os drinking than just the drinking - but that's where it fucking starts!! It's a drink here and there to soften the pain, and progresses until you're drinking to much, having someone promise to stand by you and help and then stabbing you in the fucking back! He's a fucking hypocrite!! I want to scream at him, throw it in his face; but if I do he'll see it as a different attack, he'll argue it off. And I'll be the person in the wrong! I just want my Wolf in my life, not this vague shadow in the distance!!!

How can you be so blind as to not see why I give O so many chances? For all the times I forgave you for shit I didn't deserve, you question me when I give him the same forgiveness? Yes he put my kids at risk, I don't let him drive with them in the car anymore. Yes, he hurt Jade -- but you've hurt your own kids but refusing to accept them for who they are. You're daily denial breaks them down, bit by bit. Yes, you're supposed to show them the right path, but sometimes our 'right path' isn't theirs.

Fuck you. I realize you have a pride on your shoulders, but i thought with some 10+ years of blind loyalty you'd not hold my past against me yet here you are making assumptions about what I'm doing 'behind people's backs'. Fuck you! You don't fucking realize how much my oath holds me, you ass! Yes I'm very much in love with Chris, but I gave you my hand and every day I dismiss the urge to do more than talk to him. Yes, I crave talking to him, he's my best friend. He listenes when i need to talk, and if he judges, he doesnt make me feel like shit for it. He's your friend too, you jerk, in that he keeps arguing for you! Even though he wants me - he won't accept me while I'm holding true to my vows. And don't even get me started on our last argument when you told me you wish I'd just fucked him - cause those words BURN in my blood. You spit those words at me, and when I'm mad I almost grant your wish. That night you're so pissed ...

I wish other people understood what I saw in him... I spent anhour on the phone with D listening to her berate him, and tell me he's a POS that doesn't deserve my affections; that he's only using me. And every word only succeeded in making my soul bleed. She's arguing for the marriage, convinced that's the route to go, but she doesn't know what I feel whenever I talk to him, hear his voice, see his eyes, feel a graze of his hand across even the most innocent of parts, my arm, my hand. I've spent the last 24 hours being shunned by just about everyone, ignored. And while I'm a little hurt, I'd almost rather just leave and go away. Maybe not go to him, but leave - walk away from all of it. Yea, I'm back to considering leaving everything behind.

So last night I had a talk with M, one that left me hurting and pissed, and more conflicted than ever. They've been feeling like i have been putting O first in everything. Shifting my plans so that O can join,  Changing my plans when O can't join. Getting mad at me when I talk to O on the phone, especially while I'm out running errands. They mind less when it's Visitation for J, but they still don't like it. They've been getting more and more upset as the days have moved on,  feeling like they are less and less important. Sighting one dr appointment that I moved around so that O could join, because K had previously asked for him to be there. They've grown uncomfortable around him. They don't want to be near him, certainly not alone with him, yet I still love him. For better or worse, I'm still there. K apparently have now taken to not talking to me because I keep asking them to give him chances that they don't want to give anymore. He keeps slipp...

Today we go to face off with your X, and all I feel is trepidation; mixed with anticipation. I want to help you win free of the toxicity that is She.  By nightfall, you were raging, and I understood its core. You screamed and yelled, and I listened to every word. You railed against me, against Torrin; and we took it. You tossed me aside, and called me trash; and it hurt, I won't say it didn't. You deserve honesty from me, if no one else, your words - pushing me away, hurt…a lot. Ripped apart the heart of my strength and ground it into the dirt. I wanted to walk away, just so you would stay - but I knew, that wasn't what you really wanted. So I kept myself firmly in my seat, held myself in check, and fought down the grief that was rocking through me in that moment. Yes, you read (or heard) that right, grief, not anger. I felt, with those words, that I'd lost everything I'd been fighting for. To be honest, a day later, I'm still not sure.