Letting Go and Moving On

This morning I find myself deep in introspection. A melody on repeat in my head, https://open.spotify.com/track/422KiARY66YzkPblpZ37ub?si=E6yYPuLtRcOub6KUlADtwg and my thoughts walking old roads. For perhaps the first time ever, my thoughts touched on and shied away from my fair Lucian, who used to fill my dark heart with comfort. His heavy lidded gaze used to comfort me, but this morning his gave is replaced with mahogany. When I think of comfort for my dark heart, Lucian doesn't spring to mind. He used to, his dark tendencies, his presence used to soothe the darker desires to bite, to claw; but now his lanky build has filled out in my head. The book i secret away in my shed with its dented heart, a symbol of what I left behind, of what I allowed myself to release from my life, because E said it must be so, to keep him.

But after 20+ years I've still held a portion for my heart for that echo of a past, and I'm ready to let go - for O. I've given that piece to Otsoa.

And then there's Ryan, my stocky Wolf with sandy coloured fur, and cinnamon eyes. He submitted to me without a fight, kneeling to me in front of others, and begged me to command him. He stole a piece of ME in those quiet moments, but backed down when E confronted him, because I allowed it. Ryan with his shiny red pickemup truck, that I hold gifts still, also secreted away in my shed. And I'd gladly disconnect from him, too, for O. I seldom think of Ryan anymore, though for 15+ years he too was a comforting thought for my mind to rest on. When times got rough with E, I'd think back to Ryan and the promises we never held close. Yet I feel myself clinging desperately to every promise I make to O, and thinking of him when I'm alone. I give that piece, too, to Otsoa.

Then there's the dragon. I pinned for him, for decades, my deepest darkest piece of my heart. The navy boy I lost ages ago, and still clung to with a child's obsession. 30+ years of secretly yearning, waiting for him to 'save' me from my choices. He alone had the key to unlocking the marriage vow to E, though he never knew it. I knew, if he ever held a hand out to me, I'd have left E without hesitation. My dragon was mine, he had only to say the words, and I'd be by his side. He never said them. He threw that child's dedication in the trash, and closed the lid. I can't give O that key, but he has that 'clearing in my dreams'. Once it held a dragon, incased in a shell i could penetrative, but no more. Now the clearing is a refuge for a lone Wolf with colour shifting fur. 

For all my past, I give O the keys. I never wanted to solidify my heart for one person, before, always there were scards left in the possession of echos in my past. No more.