Letters to my best friend...

Spent the last three days (and two nights) at my brother's. Finally started to feel some peace. Spent a majority of those with O at my side - and there is where the peace stemmed from. Finally verbalize what I want of him. And for that moment, he felt the same; there is some comfort in that. My O.. mine.. not hers, or someone else's; mine. Mine to cherish; not own. I know there is a difference. Mine in heart and soul, mine to dream about and hope for, guard and shelter (for all that O needs protecting and sheltering, he's a strong, capable, independent man); and one day, maybe not today or tomorrow or even next week, but one day mine.

I want to stand before you, reach up to your chin, and put that beard, pulling you into an earth-pausing kiss that leaves us both breathless and absolutely convinced, if only in that moment, that neither of us are walking away from this. For the first time i could look at cloudy skies, and not compare them to the gray that were in the dragon's eyes. I have you to thank for that. I am yours, as you are mine - one day we'll prove it to each other irrevocably.

I know you don't like the idea that someone cares enough for you to take your wellness into consideration. I get it, you've lied a shifty life so far! But I'm hoping one day to change that. I'm hoping I'll get that chance. You tell me you feel in love with me, and that was why you only got worse while you stayed here, because you couldn't have me the way you wanted. That it now treats you apart when we leave after visitations.  O, I've told you, here at least, that it shredded my soul each time i have to drive away. You weren't the only one to fall in love.  If what I've written here hadn't convinced you, if the cuddles haven't convinced you, I don't know what will. We'll, I do, but i can't break the vows I've made. It would cost me a look of grudging pridein your eyes if i break what I've sworn not to break.  I need him to do it.  Then I'm all yours.

This morning I find myself deep in introspection. A melody on repeat in my head, https://open.spotify.com/track/422KiARY66YzkPblpZ37ub?si=E6yYPuLtRcOub6KUlADtwg and my thoughts walking old roads. For perhaps the first time ever, my thoughts touched on and shied away from my fair Lucian, who used to fill my dark heart with comfort. His heavy lidded gaze used to comfort me, but this morning his gave is replaced with mahogany. When I think of comfort for my dark heart, Lucian doesn't spring to mind. He used to, his dark tendencies, his presence used to soothe the darker desires to bite, to claw; but now his lanky build has filled out in my head. The book i secret away in my shed with its dented heart, a symbol of what I left behind, of what I allowed myself to release from my life, because E said it must be so, to keep him. But after 20+ years I've still held a portion for my heart for that echo of a past, and I'm ready to let go - for O. I've given that piece to Otsoa. An...

Laying here, alone, in a big empty bed; Thinking of your arms holding me tight against your chest.  Remembering your breath on my cheek,  As I stroked my fingers through your hair. My mind half lost, cataloging every second for days like today; When my bed is empty and body longs for you.  Had someone told me when we met,  That my heart would fly to you,  I would have called them liar, But then I wouldn't have you.  I can be lost and found in your presence, swallowed whole in a simple greeting. A sideways glance while you are cooking,  A shoulder bump as you walk past,  A lingering glance you avoid as you turn to your own attentions. I'll steal them all for both off us to treasure, Cause I know that you care too. When your down and hurting and asking me what to do,  I want to ask you to wait for me, cause one day I'll be hiking home to you. But I know that it's not fair, so I hold my tongue with no answer, I love you too much to ask it, of th...

You tell me the hope is going out in my gaze, but I feel it's the opposite. I feel as though the conflict is slowly resolving. I don't want to let my parents down, my father had faith that I would make the right choice when I was conflicted between Lucian and E, but I wasn't. I didn't want Lucian, not long term; he was a means of escape. My parents sent me away for a month so I could ‘get my head on straight’, and they were right then. My father told my husband that I would go back to him, and in the end, I did. I almost left to be with Ryan because I was feeling neglected and J and I were constantly fighting over finances. Ryan only wanted the next forbidden thing, and I saw it then, but it was what I thought I wanted. He was the forbidden fruit with grand promises of peace, and I wanted it. He handed me the leash about his throat, and bowed to me as his master, and I was tempted. He was a flirt, with everything that had boobs. So forgive me, please, if I have reservat...

  As dawn colors the night sky, I find myself drawn to your gaze.. I seek to put to word that which I feel, but find only images too overwhelming to describe. I hear you laugh, and the sound cascades through the air. A glance from across the table leaves me craving more. Your anger sends vibrations through my soul. You seek to comfort me as the past casts shadows in my gaze. But there is no comfort in the mistakes of the past, they are done, and one must live with what has passed. Tomorrow's promise is new and undiscovered, another day for better choices. A rapid pulse with a simple glance, a stirring I cannot deny. When I ask myself why I fell, I am reminded. Your loyalty is unrelenting, Your soul, while damaged, is pure and sincere. You love, without restraint. You are honest, polite, and respectful of those who've earned your respect. You are crystal clear about your intentions, about your hopes and dreams; and you refuse to back down. You've been hurt so often that you ...