Letters to my best friend...

i made my choice, i'm staying to honor the vow. i'm staying, because i said i would. i'm staying, because its the right thing to do. i vowed, health and sickness, good and bad, till death. So i stay.. so why does that feel like it was the wrong decision?? i talked it over with O. He understands, he even supports it, when he sees things are good, but when they're not - when he sees that i'm struggling,  he asks me "why?" And the only answer i have is because i promised. I can't look at a different decision and feel good about myself. i can't look at breaking the vow and feel worthy of new vows anywhere in the future - because i won't see my word as true. i can't break faith with one, and see anyone else expecting me to keep to the next vow, if there is one. So i stay, i bleed a little from the soul each day. i struggle to smile, i struggle to be 'her' for him each day. i break a little each day when im not where i want to be, who i w...

How do you take the measure of a man...? Ive spent the last few days listening to O rant and rave, and hearing him shift. Im okay with it, its a shift for the better. But in watching him shift, im feeling a shift of my own. A resignation, and a numbing. Our timing wasnt right, I get it, but I had hoped. Now here I am. Aware of how I feel, aware of how I should be feeling, alive and cared for again - and yet, bleeding from the soul. I love/loved him - but im beginning to question just how he loves me. Hes at this other house, calling another woman "wifey" and "babe"; and im not jealous, im resigned. I know he told me he didnt mind me being possessive as long as I could handle him calling others love and such -- but im beginning to think i cant tolerate it and its not my place to demand or request otherwise. But if he's not to be mine, and all im gonna do is bleed to soul-death loving but not having him - whats the the point of sticking around? He wants me to talk...