Soul sick...

How do you take the measure of a man...?

Ive spent the last few days listening to O rant and rave, and hearing him shift. Im okay with it, its a shift for the better.

But in watching him shift, im feeling a shift of my own. A resignation, and a numbing. Our timing wasnt right, I get it, but I had hoped. Now here I am. Aware of how I feel, aware of how I should be feeling, alive and cared for again - and yet, bleeding from the soul.

I love/loved him - but im beginning to question just how he loves me. Hes at this other house, calling another woman "wifey" and "babe"; and im not jealous, im resigned. I know he told me he didnt mind me being possessive as long as I could handle him calling others love and such -- but im beginning to think i cant tolerate it and its not my place to demand or request otherwise.

But if he's not to be mine, and all im gonna do is bleed to soul-death loving but not having him - whats the the point of sticking around?

He wants me to talk to someone, if not him then someone - but how do I explain all of thos to him without hurting him. It's not his fault I fell so hard. It's not his fault he was brought to me too late, not his fault.. Not his fault!!

But if I leave, then he's no longer bound to 80 (78 now) years. And he can be released too. So, self-destruct here i come; I guess. No point to trying to change my health, ill let things take their course. Fuck it, bleed to soul-death, or final destination.