Letters to my best friend...

My headspace hasn't been in the right place for a week or so. I'm just getting by, day by day, pretending the smiles, pretending the joy, id rather be in bed asleep with my dreams. I'd rather be with him. Meals are lackluster and boring, unappetizing. Appetite is shit, to boot. I haven't wanted food, I eat because its a means to an end (living) cause I know this will pass. But breakfasts are all i'm interested in these days (breakfasts remind me of him), dinners are bleh. O is struggling, but making due, and im relieved he found a roof before the fireworks went off new years night. I want to put my body between them and him, to help him feel safe, even though I know he doesnt really need my protection. Intimate time with husband feels like im cheating on him, and I dont understand it fully. Last night I went to bed at 11pm, didnt fall asleep until about 0300am, maybe 0330am. Slept until 1000, which helps the loss of sleep, but i dont feel rested.

Another day, another tearful drive back to the ranch. I drove out to help him and his roommate pack up the apartment, but by the time I left I was feeling marginally unwanted. The Kunt was there calling the shots like it was her place, and I just wanted to shove a dirty sock in her mouth and her down the stairs. I understood the guys were feeling overwhelmed, so I only offered suggestions to help with the packing procedure - never told them what to do. That Kunt, however, was full of 'do it this way' and 'we'll do it that' all over the place. I understand she's used to controling things (or thinking she is) but she was overstepping left and right. When I left, it was late, and I was no longer useful (tired, sore, and tapped out) but I'd have been just as content to curl up on a half-packed bed and take a nap as drive 2 hours back to a place I no longer feel comfortable. So I drove home, looking through pools and struggling to breathe; my cheeks wet from the ...

Today's thought is simple. I love you. You frustrate me, but I love you. I wish I could convince you that I have no intention of tossing you or your child away, in any form. You ask for my oath, that which I never give loosely, I give it. An oath on the stars above, I plan to keep you as close as I can, and your daughter with you. This I write, this I empower with my will, sworn to Bast as Her servant and Voice, so shall it be. I know the depression will make you question, but I've said this before, and I mean it.