-dark mf rabbit hole- the day evens out, and then the ugly green monster raises its head, and it's vicious with its blood lust…

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my kids think I dont put them first

If they only knew... if I were selfish, I'd have left them here with E years ago, without a word.. before the eldest moved out on their own, I'd have left.  I'd have left when E left the first bruise (accidentally, though it was) on their arm while restraining them to punish them for something I can't even remember today. I'd have left E the day he accidentally choked my youngest, who was only trying to protect they're elder sibling from the wrath they felt sure they saw in his eyes after learning the middle had self-harmed. Blaming me for not checking on them, when the greater harm had been to the middle and I was checking on them! Protecting the middle from what I saw was the greater threat, E. But I stay here! To protect their ungrateful asses from the man I said vows to, though every second of every day I regret it deeper and deeper in my heart. My kids don't think I put them first when I find solace of any kind in the proximity of O - but they...have......
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Selfish, yea, maybe.

E's sleep schedule is all out of wack.. so I just 'put him to bed'.. did it to help him sleep, and to alleviate some pent-up energy in me, cause something/someone got my engine running hard... and as I walked away, I felt like shit, cause I can't tell who I'm cheating on anymore... I can't have who I want, not sure I want who I have...and the only thing holding me from falling apart are vows to stay... So I sat at my desk and broke into tears. I shoved it all down after a moment by reminding myself that what I want isn't as important as keeping others happy. It has always been that way, and it didn't change overnight just cause someone said so... O, did you really mean what you said yesterday? I know how much you abhor the idea of another wife..how much you aren't excited about another committment. I don't want you to ignore your wants just to appease mine. I am all in, if you are; but I can accept less if you don't. O, your an overthinker li...
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