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Selfish, yea, maybe.

E's sleep schedule is all out of wack.. so I just 'put him to bed'.. did it to help him sleep, and to alleviate some pent-up energy in me, cause something/someone got my engine running hard... and as I walked away, I felt like shit, cause I can't tell who I'm cheating on anymore... I can't have who I want, not sure I want who I have...and the only thing holding me from falling apart are vows to stay... So I sat at my desk and broke into tears. I shoved it all down after a moment by reminding myself that what I want isn't as important as keeping others happy. It has always been that way, and it didn't change overnight just cause someone said so... O, did you really mean what you said yesterday? I know how much you abhor the idea of another wife..how much you aren't excited about another committment. I don't want you to ignore your wants just to appease mine. I am all in, if you are; but I can accept less if you don't. O, your an overthinker li...
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bad head space

Having a hard time getting out of bed today, not gonna lie. There's things to do, like shower, and medicate, but I don't want to. I want to lay here, have an arm thrown over me and a warm breath in my ear, but it just isn't happening... I'm tired. I love, deeply, but lately and unreasonably, I've felt like it's been one-sided. I know he had to get himself right, and I love hearing that he's working on it, but then I get calls like last night. "I don't want you to see me weak.." fucker i don't want to only see you when you're strong!! I want to be there when you need the hand up, whenever that is, so it will mean more when you don't need it! I don't want you to only see me at my strength, either, but you need my strength right now more than my weakness. In your hours of need, you need me to be strong, to help you through, so I keep my council to myself. You don't need to see how much my commitment to another is tearing me up,...
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