Letters to my best friend...

Two days ago (so, Thursday morning) I fought off my alcoholic brain. I woke up that morning, walked into the kitchen, and though a rum and coke sounded like a better wake up drink than coffee. Caught myself as I turned to head to where the drinks are stored, reminded myself that numbing my thoughts wasnt the answer and brewed coffee instead.  Yesterday, I argued with that alcoholic brain all day, I didnt want to think about the simple fact that I hurt the Wolf, again. Didnt want to remember the pain I saw burning in his gaze as he begged me to stay. Today, it is easier, but not. Today my need to be at his side is blinding me to just about everything else. He had a laps im judgement, drank, and fell getting out of someone's car. He was so out of it that he was rushed to the er (allowed to leave after several tests and a shock to his heart). But hes home now with a minor concussion and a goose egg on his noggin. And its been all of me not to hop in my car and go to him. I wont cross ...

You tell me the hope is going out in my gaze, but I feel it's the opposite. I feel as though the conflict is slowly resolving. I don't want to let my parents down, my father had faith that I would make the right choice when I was conflicted between Lucian and E, but I wasn't. I didn't want Lucian, not long term; he was a means of escape. My parents sent me away for a month so I could ‘get my head on straight’, and they were right then. My father told my husband that I would go back to him, and in the end, I did. I almost left to be with Ryan because I was feeling neglected and J and I were constantly fighting over finances. Ryan only wanted the next forbidden thing, and I saw it then, but it was what I thought I wanted. He was the forbidden fruit with grand promises of peace, and I wanted it. He handed me the leash about his throat, and bowed to me as his master, and I was tempted. He was a flirt, with everything that had boobs. So forgive me, please, if I have reservat...