Letters to my best friend...

Holy freckle, cricket! Today has been the most subdued uneventful day I've had in a long time! I talked with O for 50 minutes so on the phone, and felt peace fall over me. I want to be a part of his life, and he a part of mine; but i set a boundary the other day I wont go back on. I want a sober partner, and a monogamous one to boot. If I am to be his and give of myself fully, I need him to do the same. He told me today that I generally has a rule about going after married women, but he broke that rule for me. He also asked me how to tell his ex that he was done with her, and I advised him to do it bluntly, and clearly; not to leave doors or windows open. If hes done with her, as he says, it must be fully and completely. The obvious exception being their daughter. Apparently, too, he must close windows with some "Maria" from his past, as well. I dont know her, but the name alone strikes cords in my head that i'm having problems reconciling. My "Maria" is now...

If we communicate energy for energy, and all I get from O is friendship, it stands to reason that it is all I'll give back. But making this decision, is already cutting so very deep. I want him, to be my last, to be the truest, to be my only. But space has to be made, and I can't break vows that don't deserve to be broken. But my heart, my soul, is bleeding. Even as I loved and cherished the dragon, I will love and cherish the Wolf. Even as I pinned for the dragon, I will pine for the Wolf. Even as I stepped into the shadows of the great dome that sat over the dragon for years - that impenetrable shield - i will step into the shadows of the wolf, and be his shield. I swore that I would never give up. Im not backing down on that oath. Im not giving up. Im only shifting until I can take him to my side as I should have done when he first asked.

You haven't been my 'best friend' since the day we exchanged vows in front of my best friends. You never accepted that you would never consume my heart and soul from the word go. You always fought it. You knew I was poly before there was a word for it - I told you so. You told me 'as long as you held the majority' you could accept that there were others who had already claimed parts of my heart. I tried to accept that, but in the first year I learned it might not be enough. In the third year, I knew it wouldn't be. In anger you made me cut ties with anyone associated with those who risked your 'happily ever after'; and i let you with only token resistance.  Decades later, I've found someone who can consume my every heart beat, my every soul flutter and you once again think to restrict me. It's not gonna happen. By my love for those who have past, I'm done accepting your dominion over me and those I call friends. Keep pushing me away from them...

There is only two people in this world that could stand between us. A and E. Too many vowels. Anyway... I want to one day stand between you and her, to make her poignant aware that she's lost her chance, with that one action. To stand, with you at my back, and she facing us; and see the understanding burn through her. And i want one day for you to be able to do the same with him. No words necessary, just those simple actions, and have them both realize that what they sought to destroy has only grown under their vigilant growls and dismissals.