Letters to my best friend...

How do i sum up a day where i spiraled into a rabbit hole, but fought tooth and nail to keep from sliding into that same hole. Latching on to the love of those around me to help anchor me as I slid further and further into the nothing. I need him to fight for his daughter. I want him to fight for me. I know the difference in desires, I'm not blind. But once the day started really rolling the hole vanished. I could still feel myself sliding into it, but the requirement to Mask kept it from swallowing me. I slid a little at a time, each break in driving, every time I had a moment when I wasn't going full throttle. So I went from PTC to bus stops, from bus stops to the ranch, from the ranch to the lodge, and worked at keeping my mind busy there. And when things started to slow, I called O. He kept my mind moving enough to keep me from sliding further (without my saying I needed help), and I'm grateful. But now, at 2322, I've showered, chatted with T, and now I sit in the l...

I want to stand before you, reach up to your chin, and put that beard, pulling you into an earth-pausing kiss that leaves us both breathless and absolutely convinced, if only in that moment, that neither of us are walking away from this. For the first time i could look at cloudy skies, and not compare them to the gray that were in the dragon's eyes. I have you to thank for that. I am yours, as you are mine - one day we'll prove it to each other irrevocably.

Today, as I worked out problems with Danni, the only one I wanted to talk to about it was you. Not because it had to do with you, but because you had a point of view that voiced that which I didn't want to.  Your innocence when it comes to the animals is adorable. It pulls a smile from me every time you find something out you didn't know before. Today I felt so much pride wash over me, you had stress come up and brush your cheek, and you kept yourself in check. You didn't let yourself get angry at a ‘little brother’; and then, even more impressive you controlled yourself when your x-in-laws brought you more stress. I couldn't begin to express how very happy it made me to hear you taking steps to control your mood. It was another glimpse of a man I saw lurking in your eyes all those months ago. The man who could take in the stress, and walk among those shadows without the need to act. I wanted nothing more at that moment than to wrap my arms around you and give you some ...