Letters to my best friend...

Missing my wolf.. even the gods seem to think he should be here; Ravens have taken to hanging out at the ranch. This energy for energy crap is just that. I get that he's not here to fuck up a marriage, that wasn't his idea, his plan, or even something he wants to consider. But when was the last time a heart (that thing that rules emotion) ever listened to reason and bowed out of a conversation. I told S that I understand where O is standing, and it wasn't my plan either. I didn't bring him onto the Ranch to be a boy toy (mantoy, more like, godsdamn!), i brought him here to help a soul i recognized as needing help. I held him here because he needed the time to find himself. In hindsight, all of this may have been avoided if I'd just listened when he asked me to let him leave - over and over again. Instead of being my stubborn healer self, and refusing to let it or him go. I felt a pull it couldn't immediately recognize and I needed to understand it. All of this c...

Ask me how I slept last night!?! Ask, after deciding to step back from what I felt, stap back from I crave with every once of my being. Ask me how I slept!!! I didnt!! Or if i did, I wept until I passed out. Silently, I laid on my side, facing away from my oathbound husband, and while he snored, I gasped for air. While he murmured nothings into the air, I struggled to keep from wailing my bleeding soul to the sky. I curled around the weighted red panda I bought myself, and tried to sniffle myself so I didn't wake him cause I didn't want to explain to him why I felt like I was dying just a little bit more. I can handle hiding what I feel, as long as I know its returned. But feeling myself washed away with every glance from you, every tickle of amusement lifting my soul, and believing it isn't returned - will leave me filled with a poison they lack the antidote to treat. So ask me how I slept, cause I'll lie and tell you 'fine', so you don't have to face the r...

If we communicate energy for energy, and all I get from O is friendship, it stands to reason that it is all I'll give back. But making this decision, is already cutting so very deep. I want him, to be my last, to be the truest, to be my only. But space has to be made, and I can't break vows that don't deserve to be broken. But my heart, my soul, is bleeding. Even as I loved and cherished the dragon, I will love and cherish the Wolf. Even as I pinned for the dragon, I will pine for the Wolf. Even as I stepped into the shadows of the great dome that sat over the dragon for years - that impenetrable shield - i will step into the shadows of the wolf, and be his shield. I swore that I would never give up. Im not backing down on that oath. Im not giving up. Im only shifting until I can take him to my side as I should have done when he first asked.

So, I just learned that O went to the ER last night (no word to me that he might) for his foot and back. This following a disconnect in sms that I'm finding hard to ignore. He talked about energy for energy when he lived at the ranch, so do I return energy for energy now and back off despite what it'll do to my heart? I've spent 15+ years quietly bidding my time while waiting for an equal opportunity window to join with the dragon, i can do so again for the wolf. Letting the distance slowly chip away at my soul as the years roll by. O can go back to being the silent predator hunting in the wild. Neverminding the small flow of tears that fell yesterday as I drove away. The end of visitations may hurt him, but it hurts me, too - for different reasons. Nevermind stealing an evening from the world, and enjoying some personal time with a man who somehow convinced me to let go of the dragon, and took his place in my soul.

I get to see him tomorrow, feels like forever ago that I saw him last though itbwas only last week. I've found i can autopilot most of the week, but the slow hours, when he and I would have chatted, is when I miss him most. Those moments when everything would cycle down, as the sun begins her slow descent on the horizon and the air shifts from busy insects droning to the stillness of dusk. It's then when I think of him most, then when this separation between us hurts most.