Selfish, yea, maybe.

Missing my wolf.. even the gods seem to think he should be here; Ravens have taken to hanging out at the ranch. This energy for energy crap is just that.

I get that he's not here to fuck up a marriage, that wasn't his idea, his plan, or even something he wants to consider. But when was the last time a heart (that thing that rules emotion) ever listened to reason and bowed out of a conversation.

I told S that I understand where O is standing, and it wasn't my plan either. I didn't bring him onto the Ranch to be a boy toy (mantoy, more like, godsdamn!), i brought him here to help a soul i recognized as needing help. I held him here because he needed the time to find himself. In hindsight, all of this may have been avoided if I'd just listened when he asked me to let him leave - over and over again. Instead of being my stubborn healer self, and refusing to let it or him go. I felt a pull it couldn't immediately recognize and I needed to understand it.

All of this could have been avoided if I'd listened more to my kids when they each came to me at different times, and voiced unease about his presence. But I was dogged in my need to understand that pull.

Now, I think I understand it, and it spells doom for the relationship I'm currently in. But the timing is off, because I couldn't let go I fucked up the timing. Now, I'm sitting here in the cool breeze of a summer evening, listening to the ravens caw around me, and missing the one voice I crave in the depth of my soul; his.