I just need to say...

Bond-Sickness is as soul-crushing as homesickness.. I didn't get the weekly dose of your presence Saturday, and I'm finding my patience for others to be short and unforgiving. It's only two days after the missed visit and I want to sneak away to see you. Can I just snooze the rest of the week away, at least dreams of you are better than the stark lack of you in the house.

  https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rXlNHAgqciMvFD_WCXtDDKgvKc-FRhhqT0l2LrowZWE/edit?usp=drivesdk

My mind has been a cruel thing this week. With the fires last week, and the Hughes Fire this week, all I want is to sit and bs in the living room, or on the back deck like we used to. Today (and most of the week) my mind has been kind enough to play (on repeat) the day you broke and yelled at me, sending me home. But it doesn't start with the yelling, it starts with me throwing that metal bracelet at you and walking away. I turned my back on you, to get Jade, but to hide the tears as well, and when I turned back around you were pulling me into your arms. I deserved that day, I've been doing exactly that to myself since the day I sent that bluidy text to Michelle, and I still haven't forgiven myself - probably won't, ever. But my mind has been kind enough to play that day on repeat, the anger from you, the pain and acceptance from me. But now, for the last day, that stupid speech has been shuffling into that narrative. “I'm sorry I was married when we met. I'm so...

my gods -in a good way- So I had to rush away again, but know that doing so hurts. I know the visits are for J, but they're also my weekly dose of you, even when you're busy handling the ‘everything’. It sucks. Talking about sneaking you onto the Ranch was so appealing, and I desperately wanted you to pull over and just kiss me. I've missed some (well, all) of the flirting, even if I am trying to make things work between E and I - at your insistence, I might add. And I get the strain it causes. Rooting for someone you respect and hate at once.. But remember, love, when the last cards fall, I want you at my side…I want us to be able to acknowledge what our souls already feel. I want us to be US when the final bell tolls. I call you my Wolf, and you acknowledge that I am yours.

I don't know what's gotten into my head today, but it's not great. Words spoken in anger, rang through my head. Yes, I chose others over you; not because I wanted to but because you needed me to at the time. I'm terrified of where we're headed now. I want you around forever, not just those 50 (now 49)  promised years; and I'm afraid that my choices - choices you put in front of me - will ruin that destiny. I know you've told me you don't want to be a second choice, but I'm a mother now, anyone is a second choice when my kids are involved. I've told you I didn't want children when I was younger because I wanted to be able to focus wholly on my Imzadi, and then I bore children. My axis shifted to protecting them, and I resented them for forcing that shift. I was able to bear it though, thanks to my parents, my best friend, and Josh. Now I'm without my parents, without my best friend, and struggling. I slowly became a shell, a shadow of who ...

you're at the hospital having your ankle looked at, and telling me how you miss us. And I have only one question, one I don't dare ask for a number of reasons. I don't dare ask, because if the answer is one I'd want to hear, I can't answer it in kind. I can't ask because it's unfair to ask. But at the same time, a part of my thoughts dart to the other R in your life, and gets jealous and begs me to ask. Do you miss us enough to come back? Do you miss me enough to want me back (not that you ever really lost me)? I find myself writing letters to the ghosts of my life telling them about you, placing you on that pedestal you dread, and for a moment hating the others in your life. “Dear Kako Cai, I wish you could meet him. I wish you'd seen him in my future and warned me against Order.. His voice soothes me, Kako, when my nerves are so shredded that I'm ready to give up. He's not perfect, by any means, he's certainly a ‘project’ to consume my atte...

it's been over a week since my last entry, and it seems like it's because I was so hurt by those words, but its not. Between then and now, CA caught fire in a major way. I've spent the last week staring at the news, not out of fascination or obsession but out of need. These fires are worse than the Panorama Fires I'm told I lived through, and certainly worse than the bluidy Bobcat fire that scorched the mountains behind the ranch. I've been glued to the news outlets because I'm supplying my senior officers details about the damages, about lost lives, and the political climate in my sector. Hearing from you has been pinpricks of hope in an otherwise bleak week. And then, I got to see you yesterday! Yes, the visitations are for you and J, and I respect that you spent your day with her over myself and the bobbins - truly. I left, albeit grumpily earlier than I'd planned, but proud of spending the day bored on the couch because you and Jade were having fun playi...

Tonight you yelled at me for not choosing you over my girls; really ? Tonight wasn't the first time you've yelled at me, accusing me of not doing my utmost best to protect you. You think I don't hear you, love, but I do. The problem isn't that I'm not listening, it's that you are not. I hear you, your anger, your resentment, all justified. But I've chosen you more often than you have recognized. A couple of years ago, you made me swear to keep your child safe, and I have been striving to do just that every day since. You begged me to have your back and keep her safe! And then you made me choose, without realizing you did it, to choose her or you. Yes, you made a mistake, but in making that mistake you forced me to choose your love and respect or your life and respect. You put her at risk, against everything you’ve ever said to me, you put her at risk. So I made a choice, one you don't seem to get yet, and it's ripping me apart because I knew it could...

  Last night I found myself once again clutching onto the medallions and wearing your ring as I fell into deep slumber.