Selfish, yea, maybe.

it's been over a week since my last entry, and it seems like it's because I was so hurt by those words, but its not. Between then and now, CA caught fire in a major way. I've spent the last week staring at the news, not out of fascination or obsession but out of need. These fires are worse than the Panorama Fires I'm told I lived through, and certainly worse than the bluidy Bobcat fire that scorched the mountains behind the ranch. I've been glued to the news outlets because I'm supplying my senior officers details about the damages, about lost lives, and the political climate in my sector.

Hearing from you has been pinpricks of hope in an otherwise bleak week. And then, I got to see you yesterday! Yes, the visitations are for you and J, and I respect that you spent your day with her over myself and the bobbins - truly. I left, albeit grumpily earlier than I'd planned, but proud of spending the day bored on the couch because you and Jade were having fun playing video games.

I'll take those smiles any day, even if they weren't for me. I love to see you smile and joke with your child, even if it's a mask. And yes, I know it was a mask, I knew there was pain in that shell, and you were forcing yourself past it for her. You've learned that I am aware of things that I don't have to bring forward in conversations. Watching you mask for your daughter made me proud to know you.

Now, I know we don't need to talk about the horrendous mistake you made last week, and I won't aside from suggesting once you're able to, to agree to a conversation with my gremlins. No, they didn't deserve being yelled at (and yes, they did), and you still need to make amends for whatever happened in Vegas. I've only heard that you accused them of being why M left the way he did, and we both know that's not true. I haven't heard anything more about it since it happened. I know the aftermath, the fights, the scares, and the hurt feelings.

But you need to know one timeline from me; you know that I believe utterly that you'd never hurt me. I didn't come to that faith until the night of your accident - as I lay broken and weeping at 3 am (and at 4 am, and again about 5 am because I couldn’t stay asleep for worrying about you and desperately wanting to get to you), I suddenly, deeply and thoroughly KNEW, without doubt, without question, without knowing if you'd leave that hospital, that if I ever saw you again, I'd never fear you. I'd fear losing you if you returned from the hospital, but I'd never fear you. Your anger, those drunk rages you get, they do hurt when words are spoken, but I don't fear them. When they're loud, they're painful, spoken in anger, painful; but not permanent. I SEE you, Otsoa. I HEAR you, my Wolf. And I will continue to SEE and HEAR you, and call you my Wolf, as long as you allow it. You are not my property, I do not call you mine in that fashion. But you are my Wolf.