Letters to my best friend...

Slowly coming to think (or realize) that my obsession with O isn't good for me. O is an alcoholic, this is known. I know hes also a flirt. But apparently this last big is a bigger problem than I supposed. When he drinks, other ladies become targets. He professes to love me, but then I hear that hes all over others; aggressively flirting with others. Would it be wrong of me to demand he show me how much he loves me by taking better care of himself and going through rehab to get clear of his addiction to the alcohol? Ive sworn I wont try to fix him, but i cant guarantee that he'd be mine right now, if he is still drinking and going after others. And I so want him to be mine. As poly as I am, i'm ready to be fully his, and only his. But I wont leave E for O if O is still fighting this chemical demon... I wont put myself into a relationship where I have to question every person hes around. I dont like the jealousy I feel. I dont like that monster in me.

#venting it's bullshit that D, A and R can't get over their own egos to be present for someone who's going under the knife and tolerate someone they don't like who is also a friend to the person under the knife. It's just BS.. O would be civil to them, if they'd just get over themselves... O is no saint, he's said and done some pretty scrappy shit. But at least he's willing to try to make amends. D (far as I've seen) can make no such statements. "I'll talk to him, if that's what you want Mom, but the first time he says something i don't like, it's over.." I've watched him, apparently, spending money sent to him by O for their shared phone bill at Disneyland instead of on the bill as agreed. Truth, idk, I know D has passes, but it sure seemed suspicious! I know the money was sent, as it was given to me to send to D, and i did so. And within days D was off to Disney with family in tow (or alone idk) and spending money he/s...

How can you be so blind as to not see why I give O so many chances? For all the times I forgave you for shit I didn't deserve, you question me when I give him the same forgiveness? Yes he put my kids at risk, I don't let him drive with them in the car anymore. Yes, he hurt Jade -- but you've hurt your own kids but refusing to accept them for who they are. You're daily denial breaks them down, bit by bit. Yes, you're supposed to show them the right path, but sometimes our 'right path' isn't theirs.

My plans today have not unfolded. I only plan to take J to school and pick her up after. Anything else that happens it's up to the Allfather and his minions.

Today is fair enough. Last night hubby and I failed to have intimate relations. We'll, I failed, he finished. Today I took an unexpected nap, after day dreaming of relations with O. It is what it is.

Well, today started slowly. It was too cold outside for me to be willing to go out and do the spring cleaning in the rabbit shed that I planned to do last night. Though, around 1pm I finally got up the motivation to see the task started. I and the two kids I had help me got all but 1 cage finished (to back to, tomorrow). I'm eager for Saturday, where I'll be buying 2 new Dutch; 1 for my middle, and 1 for myself. I'm moderately disappointed that I didn't go to Parhump like I'd planned, but with too much negativity around the whole trip I decided not to go. Just means I sit around the house doing next to nothing because I've got nothing else to do. I wish I could spend some time with O like I'd had planned for today, but it is what it is. I'll sit here, alone (because the girls are all in separate parts of the house doing their own thing) and my husband is at work until midnight.

You tell me the hope is going out in my gaze, but I feel it's the opposite. I feel as though the conflict is slowly resolving. I don't want to let my parents down, my father had faith that I would make the right choice when I was conflicted between Lucian and E, but I wasn't. I didn't want Lucian, not long term; he was a means of escape. My parents sent me away for a month so I could ‘get my head on straight’, and they were right then. My father told my husband that I would go back to him, and in the end, I did. I almost left to be with Ryan because I was feeling neglected and J and I were constantly fighting over finances. Ryan only wanted the next forbidden thing, and I saw it then, but it was what I thought I wanted. He was the forbidden fruit with grand promises of peace, and I wanted it. He handed me the leash about his throat, and bowed to me as his master, and I was tempted. He was a flirt, with everything that had boobs. So forgive me, please, if I have reservat...