Selfish, yea, maybe.

E's sleep schedule is all out of wack.. so I just 'put him to bed'.. did it to help him sleep, and to alleviate some pent-up energy in me, cause something/someone got my engine running hard... and as I walked away, I felt like shit, cause I can't tell who I'm cheating on anymore... I can't have who I want, not sure I want who I have...and the only thing holding me from falling apart are vows to stay...

So I sat at my desk and broke into tears. I shoved it all down after a moment by reminding myself that what I want isn't as important as keeping others happy. It has always been that way, and it didn't change overnight just cause someone said so...

O, did you really mean what you said yesterday? I know how much you abhor the idea of another wife..how much you aren't excited about another committment. I don't want you to ignore your wants just to appease mine. I am all in, if you are; but I can accept less if you don't. O, your an overthinker like I am. I know you've given it some serious thought, I know you wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it...but did you mean it?

Fuck O, telling me that I'm important.. that what I want matters.. bs.. It has never been that way for me! I've always been keenly aware of what others feel, to the point that it overwhelms my own emotions. THEIR needs matter! Mine are now, and always have been, the LEAST of my concerns.

I want O to rewrite a memory for me, rewrite being pinned against a garage door and kissed by a crush (a first kiss memory I wish he'd erase, or replace). Just pull me aside away from everyone, gently push me against the wall behind me, and kiss me like he's drowning. Burn my soul right down to my toes with that one kiss. If what I want really mattered, that would be the start.

Make me forget being handled like meat most of my life. Molested by my brother as he struggled to understand his teenage hormones. Molested by the grade school custodian because my BFF was, also, and said it was okay "he was a good guy, it was innocent". Molested by a man I was crushing on when I was 15 and he was 30+ and dealing with emotional distress, so I let him, to comfort him. They're just boobs, just extra fatty tissue on a body same as any other person on this earth.

Help me to forget that my body is less than ideal to most eyes, with extra blubber, high blood pressure, and its inability to process sugars. Help me to forget that my lower back hurts, and my knees are nearly always on fire. Help me to forget that when I look in the mirror I'm repulsed by what looks back at me. Help me forget - at least for a moment, or longer. Help me forget that I want to wear enough clothes that no one can see me. Help me forget that most days I just want to melt into the walls, to not be seen. Help me to forget me.

These aren't new feelings, I've felt them since I was a child. Occasionally I forget myself, occasionally I like myself, and how I look - but far more often I don't. There for a while, while O was here, in the early months while he was gone, I began to accept, at least, who I am. I dressed to entice because I felt like maybe I could accept this meat bag. But as in the past, it didn't last. I began to dislike myself again. I began to see the fluff again, and the pale skin that covers it all. I began to see the hair that won't tame, the permanent mark of Irish blood that I can't avoid.

As a grade-school student I was bullied without mercy for that hair, for those freckles, and ostracized because I didn't look like anyone else in my school. I was identified as the child with auburn hair, everyone knew who was being referred to, and I was the unicorn of the school - and bullied for it. Now, I laugh off the jokes and rebuke the compliments. Occasionally I appreciate my unicorn hair, but when I'm alone I dream of raven hair.

If what I wanted mattered, O would be here. I know that's not fair to say, there are reasons he's not; I get it. But if what I wanted mattered, he'd be here. It's selfish of me, but that is what matters to me. What I want is supposed to be Selfish, isn't it? So in this moment, I can be selfish?? I want O!! I want him here!! I want him now!! I want him tomorrow, I wanted him yesterday. He's not perfect, he knows it, I know it, it's no secret - fuck, no one is perfect! But if I'm allowed to have a selfish moment, than there it is. I. Want. O. Platonically, romantically, either, or, both. I want O. I want E to accept that I want O, platonically. I want the county accept that I need O, here, for him, for me. I want the state to accept that O is more important to me than they are. I want my kids to accept O. I want his, hers and ours.

I want, more than anything, to be walking at your side. The distance hurts, deeply. I'm left each night feeling like I've bled out. I crawl into bed to sleep, hoping tomorrow will feel different; and so far, it hasn't.