bad head space

Having a hard time getting out of bed today, not gonna lie. There's things to do, like shower, and medicate, but I don't want to. I want to lay here, have an arm thrown over me and a warm breath in my ear, but it just isn't happening...

I'm tired. I love, deeply, but lately and unreasonably, I've felt like it's been one-sided. I know he had to get himself right, and I love hearing that he's working on it, but then I get calls like last night. "I don't want you to see me weak.." fucker i don't want to only see you when you're strong!! I want to be there when you need the hand up, whenever that is, so it will mean more when you don't need it!

I don't want you to only see me at my strength, either, but you need my strength right now more than my weakness. In your hours of need, you need me to be strong, to help you through, so I keep my council to myself. You don't need to see how much my commitment to another is tearing me up, how often I'm teetering on a fence line without proper support. How I still love him, but not nearly as deeply as I've come to love you. How I want to see him thrive, but I would rather be at your side. How I feel like roles have somehow been reversed,  and he's the adopted son, while you, my intoxicating thunderstorm of a man, have become the very source of my will to live. Not being at your side is tearing me up each night, each morning, each day and night I'm away from you. Hours I could handle; they're only hours, but days and nights are slowly bleeding me. The wound that was made those many months ago, I see is festering, puzzy, oozing with lethal infection, and only the occasional visits to clean the infection away.

I'll be honest here, I don't know how much longer I can hold on before I sever ties. I mean to stay until the marriage vow is closed, but...I'm dying here. I need to hold out until the DCFS have removed their collective heads from our collective asses, so J can be returned to you. Then I can have that very needed (and dreaded) discussion with E about how I'm doing. One way or another, it will come about. I don't see it ending well, I'll be honest, as I know he won't tolerate sharing, but it will come out. I've already told him once, and then backpedaled enough to ease his mind. But the next time I talk to him, there will be no backpedaling.

But having written all of that, I still don't want to get out of bed... I still want your arms, your breath, you. None of which I'll ever get here, I know that in my soul. I don't want to have to drive to you for that needed embrace. I want just one night where we don't have to go our separate ways, not for sex, just for comfort..

You asked me if my caresses were what love felt like, as we lay locked in an embrace on the couch, and the question burned.  Not because you didn't know, but because you had to ask. You held me tight, fiercely, like you were afraid someone would take me away. I wish I could assure you that it won't happen.

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