Selfish, yea, maybe.

I don't know what's gotten into my head today, but it's not great. Words spoken in anger, rang through my head. Yes, I chose others over you; not because I wanted to but because you needed me to at the time. I'm terrified of where we're headed now.

I want you around forever, not just those 50 (now 49)  promised years; and I'm afraid that my choices - choices you put in front of me - will ruin that destiny. I know you've told me you don't want to be a second choice, but I'm a mother now, anyone is a second choice when my kids are involved. I've told you I didn't want children when I was younger because I wanted to be able to focus wholly on my Imzadi, and then I bore children. My axis shifted to protecting them, and I resented them for forcing that shift.

I was able to bear it though, thanks to my parents, my best friend, and Josh. Now I'm without my parents, without my best friend, and struggling. I slowly became a shell, a shadow of who I was; an illusion of what people saw in me.

Then you came along, with your demons and shadows, and I recognized the path. Without meaning to you helped me back to myself and now I'm stuck in a crossfire. Protecting my kids (bio and adopted) and finding my way back to me.

But that's not why I'm in numbed tears right now. The house is quiet, the thoughts are chasing themselves in circles, and intrusive thoughts are ringing loud. I want a drink, or a blade; either would work for me. Think I'll go do some housework until this passes, but I'm wanting a drink or a blade - and there's no getting around it. I wish you hadn't sabotaged things here, cause then you'd just be out back or in the RV or on the recliner, or someplace close enough to be able to pull me out of this.

But day by day I feel you pulling away, further and further. You tell me it's because it hurts you to have us so far removed from you; but love, it's slowly killing me, too.

This Playlist, is played in the car, I’ve been adding it to it as the weeks go by and pieces speak to me. It's about time you knew, it's mostly about you… https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4xAFX2EZylmg0QE6afVs5f?si=Ao-kRSluSUKE7bzDmbIxOA&pi=ecQ5zivtQ12E0