I just need to say...

Missing my wolf.. even the gods seem to think he should be here; Ravens have taken to hanging out at the ranch. This energy for energy crap is just that. I get that he's not here to fuck up a marriage, that wasn't his idea, his plan, or even something he wants to consider. But when was the last time a heart (that thing that rules emotion) ever listened to reason and bowed out of a conversation. I told S that I understand where O is standing, and it wasn't my plan either. I didn't bring him onto the Ranch to be a boy toy (mantoy, more like, godsdamn!), i brought him here to help a soul i recognized as needing help. I held him here because he needed the time to find himself. In hindsight, all of this may have been avoided if I'd just listened when he asked me to let him leave - over and over again. Instead of being my stubborn healer self, and refusing to let it or him go. I felt a pull it couldn't immediately recognize and I needed to understand it. All of this c...

Ask me how I slept last night!?! Ask, after deciding to step back from what I felt, stap back from I crave with every once of my being. Ask me how I slept!!! I didnt!! Or if i did, I wept until I passed out. Silently, I laid on my side, facing away from my oathbound husband, and while he snored, I gasped for air. While he murmured nothings into the air, I struggled to keep from wailing my bleeding soul to the sky. I curled around the weighted red panda I bought myself, and tried to sniffle myself so I didn't wake him cause I didn't want to explain to him why I felt like I was dying just a little bit more. I can handle hiding what I feel, as long as I know its returned. But feeling myself washed away with every glance from you, every tickle of amusement lifting my soul, and believing it isn't returned - will leave me filled with a poison they lack the antidote to treat. So ask me how I slept, cause I'll lie and tell you 'fine', so you don't have to face the r...

If we communicate energy for energy, and all I get from O is friendship, it stands to reason that it is all I'll give back. But making this decision, is already cutting so very deep. I want him, to be my last, to be the truest, to be my only. But space has to be made, and I can't break vows that don't deserve to be broken. But my heart, my soul, is bleeding. Even as I loved and cherished the dragon, I will love and cherish the Wolf. Even as I pinned for the dragon, I will pine for the Wolf. Even as I stepped into the shadows of the great dome that sat over the dragon for years - that impenetrable shield - i will step into the shadows of the wolf, and be his shield. I swore that I would never give up. Im not backing down on that oath. Im not giving up. Im only shifting until I can take him to my side as I should have done when he first asked.

So, I just learned that O went to the ER last night (no word to me that he might) for his foot and back. This following a disconnect in sms that I'm finding hard to ignore. He talked about energy for energy when he lived at the ranch, so do I return energy for energy now and back off despite what it'll do to my heart? I've spent 15+ years quietly bidding my time while waiting for an equal opportunity window to join with the dragon, i can do so again for the wolf. Letting the distance slowly chip away at my soul as the years roll by. O can go back to being the silent predator hunting in the wild. Neverminding the small flow of tears that fell yesterday as I drove away. The end of visitations may hurt him, but it hurts me, too - for different reasons. Nevermind stealing an evening from the world, and enjoying some personal time with a man who somehow convinced me to let go of the dragon, and took his place in my soul.

I get to see him tomorrow, feels like forever ago that I saw him last though itbwas only last week. I've found i can autopilot most of the week, but the slow hours, when he and I would have chatted, is when I miss him most. Those moments when everything would cycle down, as the sun begins her slow descent on the horizon and the air shifts from busy insects droning to the stillness of dusk. It's then when I think of him most, then when this separation between us hurts most.

How is it, that one day E is admitting he can't tell me what to do, when just weeks before he was berating me for still calling O a friend?? I don't get it. He knows he can't 'tame me' and yet presumes to tell me who I can be friends with, and who not...??!!?? I get that the people I chose to befriend aren't necessarily the best people, but they're the ones that need my brand of help (as I see it). Im making myself sick trying to understand that man's logic. He can't tell me what to do, or where to go - but he can tell me who to be friends with?!?! Something is rotten in Denmark...

#venting it's bullshit that D, A and R can't get over their own egos to be present for someone who's going under the knife and tolerate someone they don't like who is also a friend to the person under the knife. It's just BS.. O would be civil to them, if they'd just get over themselves... O is no saint, he's said and done some pretty scrappy shit. But at least he's willing to try to make amends. D (far as I've seen) can make no such statements. "I'll talk to him, if that's what you want Mom, but the first time he says something i don't like, it's over.." I've watched him, apparently, spending money sent to him by O for their shared phone bill at Disneyland instead of on the bill as agreed. Truth, idk, I know D has passes, but it sure seemed suspicious! I know the money was sent, as it was given to me to send to D, and i did so. And within days D was off to Disney with family in tow (or alone idk) and spending money he/s...

So, after the last intimate time I spent with E left me with a certainy of where my mind and heart is.  Im committed to my Wolf. E's efforts didn't even stir a reaction of me, even trying to picture E as O failed to help; it only served to look down my reaction. As for today, I'm in migrate pain (5-7) in my legs, and hips. It'll pass.

 There's this video: https://www.facebook.com/reel/1014011137529683 that says you should date someone who'se voice makes you calm, wet or both. But, see, I don't need to date the next man in my line. I'm already head over heals mad for the man. We share a friendship that is platonic now, but could easily be pushed over that line. His normal voice I find to be very calming, anti-stressfully calm. But when he drops his voice, to that husky tenor and turns it on me, omg - I want to shift that platonic love across that line.

#clingyMoment I got J off to the bus this morning, no problem. Went home, woke the bobbins, and got on the road to go to R's graduation. Got to the ballpark on time, only to find out i had the wrong month. Turned around and drove home (almost non-stop roundtrip). As I passed through Littlerock a wild rabbit ran in front of and at my car, I couldn't swerve to miss it, and couldn't stop. I hit the poor thing and sent it rolling limply across the road behind the car. Got home, checked on the kittens. Magick was fine, Ion was, too. But I was still a bit mentally screwed from hitting the rabbit, that I fell asleep with Ion on my chest. When I woke up, Ion was just starting to complain that he was hungry, and T was calling to check in me. E was still watching TV beside me, but his wasn't the face I really wanted to see. I would have loved to wake from that nap and find O sitting beside me. Haven't heard from him in days, but he's been working (yeay, work) and i miss t...

Im a bit worried about my wolf tonight. He started work yesterday (yeay him) and has said nothing to me today, not even a random reel. I know he knows today is Visitaion for his child, so he may have been saying away for that - but usually I get something from him in a day. Regardless, it's my bedtime now, and I will attempt to put such concerns aside so I can sleep; and pray to hear from him tomorrow. Also, it's raining outside, and the sound of the rain coming off the eves is very theraputic.