Self Love

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my kids think I dont put them first

If they only knew... if I were selfish, I'd have left them here with E years ago, without a word.. before the eldest moved out on their own, I'd have left.  I'd have left when E left the first bruise (accidentally, though it was) on their arm while restraining them to punish them for something I can't even remember today. I'd have left E the day he accidentally choked my youngest, who was only trying to protect they're elder sibling from the wrath they felt sure they saw in his eyes after learning the middle had self-harmed. Blaming me for not checking on them, when the greater harm had been to the middle and I was checking on them! Protecting the middle from what I saw was the greater threat, E. But I stay here! To protect their ungrateful asses from the man I said vows to, though every second of every day I regret it deeper and deeper in my heart. My kids don't think I put them first when I find solace of any kind in the proximity of O - but they...have......
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Keeping My Word May Kill Me..

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 this was this morning after getting off the phone with the newly assigned Social Worker on my Foster's case. In one question she filled me with relief, and choked with despair. So I took my bobbins to school, smoked two Djarums, and forced myself to distraction while I waited for one to do what they must. Then checked my levels as we beheaded home. Its better, but still in dangerous levels.. now I get to go home and clean, and try to hold myself together.. because every step from today feels like a nail in my wolf's coffin... A step closer to his salvation and demise. This is write here, in my blood if I could. I will never keep her from her kin. If she asks, I will take her to see them, regardless of what happens moving forward. By life, and my goddess, this I so swear. They may ask for visits, she will have a yes/no vote, and I will abide. So I breathe, so it is. But I voice here, too, a warning for those who know me. If I loss my wolf, you will lose ...
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8 minutes...

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