I just need to say...

Yesterday I spent the day with a single prayer on my mind, one I knew I didnt utter, or hope to come true. Today, I woke up from a dream that left me feeling bereft of all hopes, and filled with them at the same time. In the dream E rolled over to me as we woke, and told me to find you, O. Sent me to find you, to spend the day with you, because E could finally see how your presence eased my stress. E: "Go to him, just come back to me. Do whatever you want, but come back.. I can see the difference in you after a day with him, even if i dont like it." I stared at him unbelieving, then slowly got out of bed, dressed, took my meds, and left the ranch. Not wanting to race out the door lest he reconsider, and not daring to let him change his mind. I fled to your arms, spent the day there and returned to the ranch as he made, and did not find the cold shoulder treatment waiting for me. Others now are trying to dissuade my heart, telling me they see more stress in my life with you in...

...is all it takes to check in on someone. Eight minutes to feel out the sore spots, lance any emotional abcesses, and allow space for healing. Thats what we've been hearing in FB Reels for some time now. Eight minutes could mean the difference between a person's willingness to keep pushing forward, or crossing the river. I've spent the last few days answering quiet summons, "Do you have 8 minutes.." and its meant the world to me to be that lifeline for someone. But today I was asked "do you need 8 minutes?" And I felt suddenly chocked with everything ive been holding in. Yes, I desperately need eight minutes, or 16, maybe even 32. Ive had so much happen in my life since my best friend passed away that I haven't talked about. I didnt have anyone to lean on that wasnt family, when my father passed away, when my mother passed, my aunt, my horses, my dog, when my husband got hurt, when my heart was stolen in a glance and i started regretting my haste fo...

Why.. how the fuck does he manage to make me feel responsible for his safety.. In one scattered phone call, i go from feeling fairly okay, to mind-fucked 'shattered'..and he only said a few words. "I didn't sleep, cause you're not here.." We haven't been intimate physically, only emotionally. Yet those few words completely shattered my thoughts and soul. "I miss you.." he said, and I nearly fell apart. I can't put two thoughts together to do anything productive. Emails sit unfinished, counters need cleaning, laundry needs finishing, so much else needs done, but i cant bring myself to take a full decisive step in any direction to get any of it done. He misses me, and I, him.i haven't seen him in almost a month, and every night, regardless of the other body in the bed, I feel alone, cold, lonely, and lost.

He reminds me that he fell for this family, not just me, but everyone... tells me that we broke him. Hesitates a moment when I tell him I hope to make amends one day, and he immediately says it's not the mistake that makes the person but what is done after... Makes me realize that while I've written all of these emotions down, opened up fully in words what he puts into the air - he hasn't read them. He hasn't seen the grief in my words, the fact that everything of late has been bleeding me out. He doesn't know how close I am to just walking away from everything here. He talks to me about dipping into his pension to pay everyone off, fix his grandma's car, and just ghost. Words I've grown to accept as just ideas floating in his head - but he doesn't get it. He doesn't hear it from me, he hasn't read it. He hasn't read this. 1999 - I made vows to E 2000 - I bent those vows 2016 - I bent them again 2022 - I made new vows to O (though not of the ...

Since my last entry, E suffered a serious set back. His horse passed away, and my ESA dog passed. My favorite Myo goat had a baby that is very nearly her clone, and it died 3 days later.

If they only knew... if I were selfish, I'd have left them here with E years ago, without a word.. before the eldest moved out on their own, I'd have left.  I'd have left when E left the first bruise (accidentally, though it was) on their arm while restraining them to punish them for something I can't even remember today. I'd have left E the day he accidentally choked my youngest, who was only trying to protect they're elder sibling from the wrath they felt sure they saw in his eyes after learning the middle had self-harmed. Blaming me for not checking on them, when the greater harm had been to the middle and I was checking on them! Protecting the middle from what I saw was the greater threat, E. But I stay here! To protect their ungrateful asses from the man I said vows to, though every second of every day I regret it deeper and deeper in my heart. My kids don't think I put them first when I find solace of any kind in the proximity of O - but they...have......