Selfish, yea, maybe.

Today you threatened to leave, in anger. Then accused me of shutting down and closing you out. But when I tried to talk to you, once I'd calmed down, you got irate and accused me of not vouching for you, of being selfish and only thinking of myself. Ene Otsoa, I've done nothing BUT vouch for you. I hide your drinking (or the extent of it), I explain away your eruptions of anger, and I protect your secrets and confidences.

I move on your schedule, of late, rather than mine more often than not. So I'm sorry if I refuse to talk when I'm mad, it's how I learned to handle my emotions (trauma response training) - I learned not to speak in anger or high emotions. I did not, however, block you from sensing my mood - you knew I was upset; just not why. I'm sorry I flew down the freeway at 102 mph I wanted to get home, to the ranch, where I feel safe, and I could protect the things I love. The things I love, my kids, and you. But you threatened to leave, and it hurt. I know you're not happy here in Cal, but I'm not ready to leave. I'm not, not ready to go, but I'm not eager to leave my childhood state - it's maybe selfish, but when all else I do is for everyone else, I am entitled to have something I'm selfish about. I'm allowed to hold on to something that makes me happy, and that something - for reasons I haven't been able to fully fathom, is you - you bipolar asshole!