Last night you asked that the family not tell others about what happened, unless you started the conversation, and we told you your laundry is safe with us. We're not in the habit of putting people on blast unless they do something silly or stupid. Personally, as much as I need to vent about it, I can't tell others because it will show my bias. I love you, in spite of what's happened. I ugly cried 3xs after getting off the phone with Torrin and C and J that night, inconsolable cried, curled in a ball around the weighted owl you bought me months back. Just when I thought I was done with the tears another round fell. I was so shaken and scared for you!! Not for me, but for you! I don't want to lose you like that! I don't want you going out, alone. I know one day you will go, no one lives forever no matter how deeply they're loved, but I want to lose you when you know you're loved. When those demons that whisper ‘you're alone’ have finally been silenced, you can take that last breath knowing that at last, you are no longer alone. I cried once for myself, angry tears because I'd taken you to Vegas and you screwed up because I'd then left you alone at the ranch (against my better judgment) and you had the accident, and I hadn't been there to stop it or save you, I cried once for myself for everything I'd fucked up on over the last two weeks. But I cried twice for you. Once because you felt so low that you made those mistakes (even though I nearly led you by the hand to make them), and once because I feared you might not come back to us, to me, to your daughter, to your family.
You are not just another face on the street to me, my dearest Wolf. You are my final destination. He may be my right here, right now, but you are who I expect to finish with. The timing may not be right for us right now, but you exist as a part of me, and one day the timing may be right…and I wait for that day.
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