I just need to say...

Now you're post-op, and your shoulder is hypothetically mending. We won't know the full measure of mobility you’ve regained until much later. You've been sober for three weeks. A part of me misses the ‘wet’ side, as that was when you were less likely to hold so strictly to no PDA, even in private - but I understand it. As much as I'd love another stolen kiss, I'm married and shouldn't be seeking one. But know this, Ene Otsoa read this and know it to be my truth… YOU are the person I intend to end my days beside. You are not a second choice or a backup plan; you are that being that set the destination. The only ways I see not ending my days at your side, is your death, my death, or we drift apart.

This may be odd of me to say, but thank you for making me accountable for my actions. Thank you for expressing your dislike of what I did, and being willing to move forward afterward. The silence between us was killing me, keeping that secret out of fear of your reaction was tearing me up. Now, with the air clear, you call for no serious reason, and we laugh together again. I'm still not sure where we're going from that point, but at least I don't feel like you might just walk away at any point. Now, I count the days of that 50-year promise like there's hope in them. I whisper “Ene Otsoa, not because I own him, but because I love him, and he is mine to love and yes, feel jealousy over; even if I squash any outward signs of that jealousy because while he is mine, I can't keep him to myself - not yet..”

What if I just left? Packed a bag, grabbed my devices, and left. I'd have no respect left for myself, leaving my kids behind, they're not better off with Josh. But maybe they'd be better off without me. And I wouldn't have that oath sitting over my head. My dad wouldn't be very proud of me, but he's gone anyway; surely the guilt of letting him down won't follow me forever. But what if I left…

I begin to think there's just no coming back from wherever we're at now. But it could just be my depression. It could be my depression telling me that things between us are not copicetic… but I want you aware of this. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8JpfjQf/

it's several hours after the DCFS worker was here conducting interviews. I'm not sure what all you said to her, I was nearby but had enough noise going on around me that I couldn't eavesdrop. I didn't want to either, what you said is your business, but I wanted to be sure the kids didn't interrupt. It wasn't long after she left that you did, too; not the ranch, but the house. And still, I don't want to push. All I keep hearing is “I don't want to go.” but I'm not sure if it's coming from you or me. I've been so messed up in the head, that I can't even watch a full st episode (something that's never happened to me before, usually that show puts me at ease). So here I sit, outside, on my deck, in the dark; smelling the smoke from the thousands of fires burning around us, and it's just about the only peace I've felt these last few days… been out here, sitting here so long, the dogs have lost interest in me. When I look up, I see ...

I guess I was wrong about you coming out of hiding. You're either still angry with yourself or angry with me; cause you barely talk to me these days. I know as people are more familiar with you there is less reason to talk - but every day things are evolving, and of late I feel as though you're pulling away. I grew so used to you in the house, your eyes, your breath, your presence; that the emptiness is cutting at me. I swore to you that while our time wasn't now, you were my final destination - and I feel like that's been denied me now. I don't blame you, if so - my actions compromised your custody of your daughter (a thing I'd take back in a split second if I could). You tell others that you're not mad at me (and it brought me to tears to hear you say it), but I don't feel it. Maybe it's just my guilt that's eating at me, and you really aren't mad at me - but it's hard to tell when you don't hang out anymore. You come in for food, a...

  finally you come out of hiding, and the house sounds better, more alive.