This may be odd of me to say, but thank you for making me accountable for my actions. Thank you for expressing your dislike of what I did, and being willing to move forward afterward. The silence between us was killing me, keeping that secret out of fear of your reaction was tearing me up. Now, with the air clear, you call for no serious reason, and we laugh together again. I'm still not sure where we're going from that point, but at least I don't feel like you might just walk away at any point. Now, I count the days of that 50-year promise like there's hope in them. I whisper “Ene Otsoa, not because I own him, but because I love him, and he is mine to love and yes, feel jealousy over; even if I squash any outward signs of that jealousy because while he is mine, I can't keep him to myself - not yet..”
my kids think I dont put them first
If they only knew... if I were selfish, I'd have left them here with E years ago, without a word.. before the eldest moved out on their own, I'd have left. I'd have left when E left the first bruise (accidentally, though it was) on their arm while restraining them to punish them for something I can't even remember today. I'd have left E the day he accidentally choked my youngest, who was only trying to protect they're elder sibling from the wrath they felt sure they saw in his eyes after learning the middle had self-harmed. Blaming me for not checking on them, when the greater harm had been to the middle and I was checking on them! Protecting the middle from what I saw was the greater threat, E. But I stay here! To protect their ungrateful asses from the man I said vows to, though every second of every day I regret it deeper and deeper in my heart. My kids don't think I put them first when I find solace of any kind in the proximity of O - but they...have......
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