as we approach my new year i have only one thought that I keep whispering into the void… Otsoa, Wolf.. I love you, and I'm terrified of losing you. Your calls brighten my morning, afternoon, and night. Your hugs warm my soul. I don't want to lose you, and I'm scared to love this deeply because I know loss is inevitable. You're enthusiasm for a life you say you don't want is infectious and refreshing. Your loyalty and compassion, a balm to human contact. I know life is hard and harder for you than it ever should have been; but you have become a primary reason for me to keep pushing forward. I'm terrified to lose you, my deepest love, even though i know one day it will happen (but you promised me 50 years, and you better do everything you can to keep that promise!)
Selfish, yea, maybe.
E's sleep schedule is all out of wack.. so I just 'put him to bed'.. did it to help him sleep, and to alleviate some pent-up energy in me, cause something/someone got my engine running hard... and as I walked away, I felt like shit, cause I can't tell who I'm cheating on anymore... I can't have who I want, not sure I want who I have...and the only thing holding me from falling apart are vows to stay... So I sat at my desk and broke into tears. I shoved it all down after a moment by reminding myself that what I want isn't as important as keeping others happy. It has always been that way, and it didn't change overnight just cause someone said so... O, did you really mean what you said yesterday? I know how much you abhor the idea of another wife..how much you aren't excited about another committment. I don't want you to ignore your wants just to appease mine. I am all in, if you are; but I can accept less if you don't. O, your an overthinker li...
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